Archive for November, 2009

Since I do not have the mental energy to delve into the epiphanies I’ve been having about how I was treated as a child relating to the struggles I am having in submitting to my husband, I present instead this humorous vignette for your amusement…

Sunday night we were watching The Simpson’s and one of the omnipresent Twilight commercials came on. My husband remarked that he really liked that they were using giant wolves for the werewolves and that they were cool. The whole Twilight thing annoys me to no end so I refused to say anything that could be perceived as flattering to the movie, so no – I did not think the giant wolves were cool. Somehow this devolved into snickers and a command from my husband that I was to tell him the giant wolves were cool while he was inside me later that evening, since – you know – he’s my Dom and all.

It’s nice that even with the change in our dynamic we can still be this silly with each other.

My husband would like it known that he is not a fan of Twilight but feels that giant wolves should be included wherever they can because he can think of no situation that cannot be improved by the addition of giant wolves.

There, is that good?


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Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009

Just thought I’d pass the list along if you haven’t read over it yet 😀

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009
Copied from Between My Sheets

It’s here. Finally. I promised it earlier, I know. Life got in the way (I’ll talk about it in my next post). That, and I had well over 150 unique nominations this year, counting all the comments and the nominations I received via email. Last year, I didn’t get nearly as many, and a good number of the nominations were my own.

I first compiled this list last year as a way to recognize the people who are courageous enough to put their lives or fantasies or opinions (or all three and more) out there to entertain and inspire the rest of us. I also hoped that this would bring new readers to every blogger on the list, and I had hoped that it would be an icebreaker way for bloggers to get to know one another. It was a smashing success, so I decided to make it an annal event.

This year, I had a number of other sex bloggers and readers help me with the judging. Special thanks to:

If you helped me and I missed your name or linked your incorrectly, PLEASE email me so I can fix it. For example else, you can say “thanks for the list” by visiting all of these websites and getting to know these wonderful men and women.

At the end of the day, even with the help of all the other judges, there were still ties or moments when I just felt like a certain blogger was being judged too harshly. This is still my list, still my opinion. So if you have beef, take it up with me, not with any of the other judges.

And now, without further ado, the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2009:

  1. Coquitten (website)
  2. Alexa (website)
  3. AAG (website)
  4. Bad, Bad Girl (website)
  5. TBK (website)
  6. Mistress Matisse (website)
  7. Miss Mia (website)
  8. Thursday’s Child (website)
  9. Roger (website)
  10. Sinclair (website)
  11. Sylvanus…
  12. and Mina (website)
  13. Natt Nightly (website)
  14. Jake (website)
  15. Lyn (website)
  16. Adriana Ravenlust (website)
  17. Sexy Sadie (website)
  18. Shay (website)
  19. Lilly (website)
  20. Nadia (website)
  21. Joan Price (website)
  22. Madison (website)
  23. Anal Amy (website)
  24. Z (website)
  25. Essin Em (website)
  26. Easily Aroused (website)
  27. Blacksilk (website)
  28. Sleeping Dreamer (website)
  29. Melen…
  30. and rayne…
  31. and Master KKT…
  32. and cinnamon (website)
  33. That Toy Chick (website)
  34. Red (website)
  35. Tom Allen (website)
  36. Vix (website)
  37. Coy Pink (website)
  38. Lady Pandorah (website)
  39. BackseatBoohoo (website)
  40. Epiphora (website)
  41. Aurore (website)
  42. Miss KissThis (website)
  43. Storm (website)
  44. Ron Jazz (website)
  45. Josie Jacobs (website)
  46. Distracted (website)
  47. Deviant Dyke (website)
  48. Joanna Cake (website)
  49. Sapphire Jay (website)
  50. Sarah (website)
  51. Kimberly (website)
  52. Duchess (website)
  53. Figleaf (website)
  54. The Caged Songbird (website)
  55. Kaya (website)
  56. Ms. Justine (website)
  57. Luka (website)
  58. Ang (website)
  59. Perverted Negress (website)
  60. Harlot (website)
  61. Vixen (website)
  62. Anakan…
  63. and Padme (website)
  64. Wilhemina (website)
  65. Axe (website)
  66. Amber (website)
  67. Lucy Vonne (website)
  68. Rogue (website)
  69. SSS (website)
  70. Kyle (website)
  71. Amorous Rocker (website)
  72. Sera (website)
  73. Lolita Wolf (website)
  74. Elle (website)
  75. Scarlet St Syr (website)
  76. Charlotte Thorpe (website)
  77. An Unassuming Girl (website)
  78. Maymay (website)
  79. True Pleasure (website)
  80. Bad Influence Girl (website)
  81. Diva (website)
  82. Raven Quince (website)
  83. Autumn (website)
  84. Vanilla Impaired (website)
  85. Wil (website)
  86. Robin (website)
  87. Panthera Pardus (website)
  88. Ell (website)
  89. Miss Communication…
  90. and Captain Pants…
  91. and A.E. (website)
  92. Roxy (website)
  93. Secretly Naughty (website)
  94. Abby Williams (website)
  95. Subheart (website)
  96. Sequoia Redd (website)
  97. Innocent Loveboy (website)
  98. Liljgrrl…
  99. and Nawa*G (website)
  100. YOU! As always that last person on the list is you. Please, please, please leave a comment below promoting your own blog (or the blog of someone you love). Links are welcome, as long as they lead us to a sex-related blog, not a retail website or porn aggregation site.

If you’re a blogger on this list and I’ve made a mistake (the link is wrong, you want your name to be changed, etc), please email me right away and I’ll change it!

I already put my link in the comments, not that I’ll ever make the list, but it’s definitely something to work towards.

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Or should it be Rob and Laura?  The only one I’m sure it’s not is Ward and June – but then again I’m sure my marriage has elements of all of them, even if my knowledge of specifics in their dynamics is rather fuzzy.

To get to the point, while we are definitely living D/s 24/7, it looks really boring to the outside observer (well, except maybe when the kids are asleep and implements come out to play).  I am a service sub, but it’s still pretty much in the same manner as I’ve always been, just now I get thanked for it and I can sit at his feet in the evening while he surfs, I knit and we both watch Keith Olberman.  I can see things ramping up a bit once our kids are older and out on their own, but it will probably still look like a wife doting on her husband (except for the aforementioned sitting at his feet thing).

I described my dynamic over the weekend to some acquaintances (minus the majority of the bedroom stuff) and was questioned as to how this was any different from a regular relationship.  I “do” for my husband, find joy in doing mundane tasks for him, run the household and in return he takes care of me.  Looks pretty normal, if not a little old-fashioned.  The reason why this is a D/s relationship for us is because it takes a lot for me to allow him to take care of me.  I do for others, I have always done for others.  Usually I have to tone this down – a lot.  A friend is going through a rough time?  I have gotten to the point of planning weekly notes/cards with pressed flowers or leaves in them, maybe small knitted items or sachets, something to look forward to so she would know someone was thinking of her and it could help her through the day within hours of finding out she’s having a problem.  Is this for my BFF?  No, it could be for someone as simple as an online acquaintance or someone I just pal around with.  I have to make myself think about how stalker-ish this  seems, to all of the sudden start receiving small gifts every couple of days from someone you chat with on the computer.  I’m usually not able to follow through anyway because my grandiose plans are just that – grandiose, and even if I had no responsibilities I just couldn’t do them, but I still try to do something.  This is something I do all the time.  I remember little details of people’s lives so I can ask them about it later, you can tell me in passing that your mother-in-law is having some problem or another and I will remember to ask you about how she’s doing the following week or so.  If a while passes before I remember to ask, I’ll even apologise for forgetting.  I’ve been really taken advantage by some people over the years for these tendencies and really hurt when I needed help and support they were nowhere to be found or bailed because I was asking too much.

So in a round about way, that brings me to the crux of my submission to my husband.  Yes, when we are playing I am his to use as he pleases and depending on how deep I am into things, his pleasure is my primary concern to the exclusion of my own.  As for the 24/7 part – it’s about letting him take care of me.  All of those times I tried to get my own needs met and got a, “Sorry Kid, don’t have time for you,” in response has created a lot of shells around me and it’s scary as fuck to let them down.  I have been dealing with some generalized anxiety and it’s been aggravating because until this morning I wasn’t able to pin it on anything.  Getting hit with a sense of panic and wanting to start crying out of nowhere is extremely unsettling.  I’m not sure what happened, but it finally clicked that letting down those walls is probably the culprit.

It’s been a running theme over several posts that my biggest fear is that he’ll decide that this is too much work and want out of not only the D/s but our marriage as well.  This is the hardest part for me – letting go of the fear and submitting to his care and protection.  It’s something I’m going to have to work at almost every day to some degree or another.  So no, our day-to-day dynamic isn’t exciting in the least, but to me it’s pretty fucking significant.

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I’ve been trying to get my mind together enough to actually compose a post outlining the ups and downs of the past weekend to no avail.  I had a very hectic day today and I just can’t settle down enough to actually think through everything, so I’ve decided to show you things through my husband’s eyes…

The collar wasn’t my idea.

It was one of the lines that I drew in that first week of discovery and negotiations, in fact. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of her wearing a collar, or calling me “master”. It didn’t seem right, or respectful, and it felt somehow…risky to me, for lack of a better word. I was afraid that, sooner or later, it would make Tsunade resent me.

And yet now, two months later, her calling me Master has become a regular part of our play. And last night, for the first time, she wore a collar.

We’d talked about it a few weeks earlier, and agreed on a few things. Whether or not to wear it on a given night would be her choice; I was never going to tell her to wear it. And Tsunade would make the collar, creating something beautiful that she could wear out in public without attracting undue attention if she chose.

She’s got a lot of ongoing projects right now, alas. The collar (and the spreader bar, and the restraints) are, by necessity, on the back-burner. Even so, I wasn’t expecting Tsunade to call me while she was out running errands last week to ask if it would be all right if she popped into a local pet store to see if she could find a suitable collar for us to use in the interim. I wasn’t about to argue, though. If she wanted it, that was enough for me.

She tried it on when she got home, and we agreed that she’d wear it that night. That didn’t happen. She felt increasingly nervous over the course of the afternoon, and by the time we got the kids to bed it seemed that the best thing that we could do for the night was just relax and be close to one another.

She suggested wearing it again yesterday afternoon. We’d already made plans for some fairly elaborate play that night, and adding the collar to that seemed simple enough. But again, Tsunade became more and more nervous and upset over the course of the day. The proximate cause was a thread bout BDSM on a message board she frequents, where — for the first time since we began exploring a D/s relationship — she encountered people deeply critical of the very foundations of such relationships. Unhealthy, unsafe, exploitative…all the things that you’d expect to hear. In addition to that, the risk of our youngest waking up during was nagging at her. A few days earlier, he’d woken up sobbing just as she was feeling the need for some aftercare after some fairly intense sex, and she’d been left annoyed, frustrated, and tearful.

These things unsettled Tsunade enough that the thought of wearing the collar, with the added level of openness and surrender that it entailed, seemed like too much of a burden. Too many expectations, too much pressure. Instead, I suggested that, if she really did want to wear the collar (which, she assured me, she did…even if it did scare her somewhat) that she just allow me to put it on her and hold her. No sex, no play, just skin against skin while we talked.

So she did. And we did. Both of us naked, except for her collar. Mostly we spoke about inconsequentials, and about how people who aren’t living out life have no basis upon which to judge it. But I found my finger tracing her collar every once in a while, and whenever it did I could hear her gasp and feel her shudder just a little. Such a simple little thing, a small strip of leather, but god…it made her look ever sexier than she usually does, more beautiful. Even more remarkably, she agreed with me about that. Tsunade’s never taken compliments easily, particularly not from herself. That’s something that I very much want to change….

No one, I’m sure, will be surprised that we didn’t “just talk” for much longer. I spanked her for at least half an hour, not as hard as I have in the past but for faster and longer stretches than previously. Once more, she showed me just how strong she is, how much pain she can take. And after, she was able to completely let herself go so that I could take care of her. Even our youngest waking up yet again didn’t interfere very much with that.

I know that it wasn’t easy for her to wear the collar, no matter how much she wanted to. How much of a surrender it meant. And I’m so proud that she was able to do it, and so pleased that she was able to wear it for me.

Something else that I never thought that I’d say: I want her to wear the collar again. Soon.

Thank you, my love.  He writes such beautiful things about me.

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I still can’t quite wrap my head around the feeling this creates in me and the intense desire I have to be near him in this way.  Friday night, I was performing fellatio and jerking him off with my hands while he sat on the sofa and I knelt naked before him.  I had been looking forward to this immensely – working my hardest to make him come using only my mouth and hands and was rewarded when he came in my mouth.  I was still sitting on the floor, rubbing my face against his cock and looking up at him, feeling so proud that I did it without any help from him.  I’m not sure where the impulse came from, but I was overcome with the need to lay at his feet, wrapping my arms around his leg and gently kissing and licking his foot.  I felt so happy to give him such pleasure, that I had worked hard to improve it seemed the perfect thing to do, to offer myself up to him so completely.

He was incredibly moved my this and we’ve been talking about it a lot since.  While power play and control are a lot of fun, it’s not something either of us really wants to do 24/7.  Many of our discussions come back to the fact that I have opened up to him completely and that that openness requires much from him.  I need to know he’s there to catch me, that he cherishes me and will protect me as best he is able.  I also need to let him in – to tell him when I need his support and care, to show him my feelings.  It’s still scary as hell sometimes.

We are coming off of an incredibly stressful weekend for me – Halloween costumes and sick kids do not a relaxed woman make.  He has been taking extra steps to make sure that I am cared for because I am so bad at doing it myself.  Some of this care has been difficult to accept.  I have a tendency to do for others and push all of my needs to the back until I get that half-step away from my breaking point and my own needs have to be addressed right then and there.  Last night he decided that I needed to sleep, so he took care of our youngest all night.  This morning he told me that the baby fell asleep on the floor next to the sofa and my response was, “Why didn’t you come and get me to switch with you?  I would have slept on the sofa and you could have slept in bed.”  His response was an almost stern, “No, you needed your sleep.”

I have been thinking about this all day.  My knee jerk reaction was a, “but I’m supposed to take care of you!”  My second reaction was a bit more confusing and I’m still not sure what to make of it on a couple of levels.  As I mentioned before, I have issues with authority figures – lots of issues.  His response to something that was not directly bedroom related (yeah, I know in the broadest sense it *is* related to the bedroom) kind of threw me for a loop.  I am his submissive, and the form that submission is taking sometimes looks like the popular notion of BDSM, but for the most part involves me opening myself up completely to him and pleasing him to the best of my ability while he takes care of me.  I’m having a little bit of trouble reconciling our reality with what I think submissives are *supposed* to do.

I can separate out the knee-jerk authority figure fear, but letting go of this next level of control is going to be a bit harder.  I’ve always craved this kind of care and devotion – mainly because I’ve never had it.  Now I do and once again I am scared by it for all the usual reasons – that it’s going to prove to be too much for him and he’ll decided I’m too much work and want to leave me.  He, on the other hand is thriving.  I have never seen him so confident, so self-assured.  I know this is right, that this is the way we both want our dynamic to manifest itself and I have to work on letting go of these fears, knowing that this is what he wants more than anything right now.

Man, is it ever hard to submit sometimes and I have a job ahead of me getting my inner task master to step down and let my husband (who is far more gentle and way less of a sadist) take over.  At least there isn’t much pressing going on right now and I can sit at his feet tonight so we can reconnect.

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