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Archive for January, 2013

We’re running into a roadblock with the new contract.  In addition to the anxiety and depression, I have terrible insomnia with frequent wakings.  No medication that we’ve tried (and I think we’ve tried all of them) at this point helps.  Guided meditation doesn’t help.  An orgasm before going to sleep sometimes helps.  I’ve had a sleep study and of course fell asleep within 45 minutes but I woke up five times that night.  All they seemed concerned with was that I didn’t have sleep apnea and obviously I didn’t have insomnia since I feel asleep so quickly.  All that said, I have legitimate reasons to be tired during the day other than my depression and anxiety.

Legitimate reasons aside, what we are aiming for with the contract is to get me up and keep me up.  This puts my husband in the position of having to tell me “No” sometimes when I ask to go back to sleep.  I called him and cajoled my way around it so I could take a nap yesterday morning.  Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after 3am so we decided that I could take a nap this morning before he even left for work.  I was a bit tired this afternoon so I emailed him asking if I could lay down for an hour and ended up calling him anyway because he didn’t respond.  He told me “Yes”, but there was a tone of resignation in his voice that I didn’t like.

Later on this afternoon we talked about it.  I wanted to go back to sleep this afternoon, I didn’t really need to, but I wanted it badly enough that I had to ask his permission or face the possibility of an infraction.  He feels that since I have legitimate reasons to be tired, he cannot in good conscience tell me “No” when I ask to go back to sleep.  I don’t know what to do about this.  I was half-expecting him to tell me “No” when I asked to lay down this afternoon, I mean I was hoping for a “Yes” but I was prepared for a “No” if that’s what he decided.  It’s all well and good to say he’s going to be firm with me and tell me “No” more often when we’re in the planning stages, doing it in real time is harder for him and he’s not sure if he’s up for the challenge.

This puts the cornerstone of our contract in jeopardy.  One of the main goals of the contract is to give him more control over my life and to keep day time sleep to a minimum, instead focusing my energies on self improvement, personal pursuits, and household management.  It’s hard, but I can function on this little sleep, but the crux is that I don’t want to and therefore I push to be allowed to go back to sleep to get the rest I feel I deserve.  He knows all of this but I think it worries him in two ways.  Yes, I am tired.  I average five hours of sleep a night where I really need between seven and eight to be fully functional.  The second thing is a bit trickier.  I think he doesn’t want me to be in a position to be mad at him when he tells me “No” which in the moment is a real possibility.  It’s a catch 22 — I need someone to kick me in the ass and keep me out of bed and do stuff but I’m going to be mad at the person who is doing it to me.  The night we drew up the new contract I spent a fair amount of time sulking over the amount of control I was ceding to him in it.  So he doesn’t want me to be mad at him and I don’t want to have to be forced to do things I don’t want to do.  Not the most conducive of arrangements.

We’re going to have a big talk about the contract and these ramifications tonight and hopefully come up with something that’s going to work for us.  I need this because left to my own devices I’d just sleep the day away, lack of sleep or no because of my low grade depression.  He wants to provide that structure to me but not at the cost of my hating him for it.  I know I’m going to resent the hell out of this at times, it’s a natural reaction to giving up control.  It won’t be fun for either of us, but it’s for the better good — a happier Tsunade and more importantly a functional Tsunade.  Now we have to see if we can get past this to get to there.

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We’re getting ready to renew the contract for the month of January.  Contract-wise, the past month hasn’t been too bad.  He was probably a bit too lenient with me at times, and I should have been better this past week and a half with the kids home from school.  I have been going back to bed these past two days, but for less time each day.  Infractions were okay.  The first one was hard.  The second one was harder and I had a panic attack afterwards which wasn’t fun.  The third one was way too easy since he was afraid of triggering another panic attack and the fourth one was about right — enough for a deterrent but not enough for a trigger.

We’ll be discussing any changes we’ll be making to the contract this weekend.  Infraction counts will be set back to zero, a bit of a relief since I had two each for morning and afternoon sleep and was not looking forward to incurring a third which is a more severe punishment.  Smoking is completely off the table.  I know his reasoning for this one, but it still feels a little unfair that I can’t have the occasional cigarette with my sister when we are visiting my mom’s.  He’s going to add a few more responsibilities and tasks to be completed which should be doable.  He has a baseline of behavior to work from now and he’s going to be stricter with me which is a little scary but I think I can do it.

Living with the contract has been hard at times.  December is always a bad month for me and we haven’t been having much sex.  I’m not sure how much that has to do with the month or the contract.  We also haven’t played at all the past month and again I’m not sure how much to chalk up to our dynamic leaving the bedroom versus me just being too stressed out.  I’m hoping now that the holidays are over I can get back into the swing of things and we can start having more sex and playing on the weekends.  I miss the release of getting out of my head.  I think I’m going to try it this Saturday night and see how it goes.  There’s a part of me that’s afraid I won’t be able to let go and it will just hurt, especially in light of the corporal punishment involved in the contract — that I won’t be able to separate the feelings.  I need to relax and just go with it.  I know he’ll take care of me and that it won’t be anything like the punishments logically but my belief needs some work.

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