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Archive for December, 2012

I’ve mentioned that I’m still dealing with anxiety and depression.  One of the ways this manifests is that I try to stay in bed/on the couch as much as possible so I don’t have to deal with thinking about things.  This is no way to function and ends up making my depression and anxiety worse.  After reading Living M/s, we came up with the idea of the husband taking more control and writing up a formal contract outlining what that control will entail.

We tried it out in November, but it did not go well.  There was always a reason for why I needed to go back to bed in the morning or doze in the afternoon and he willingly went along with whatever I said.  Then it would get to the point that I had so many infractions that the contract was useless and we would vow to, “start again on Monday.”

This incarnation of the contract is different.  For starters, he’s not going to be lenient with me any more.  I need to have a damned good reason as to why I need to go back to bed in the morning and he’ll tell me “No” if that reason isn’t good enough.  I still can tell him flat out if I can’t do it which will be dealt with on a case by case basis.

We are also incorporating corporal punishment for infractions.  This, understandably, scares the shit out of me but his reason for doing it is sound and I’m willing to put myself into his hands.  We talked about it on Saturday and I voiced my fears and he gave his reasons as to why he thought this was the way to go and I agree with him.  An infraction has to have consequences that are real and a deterrent to future infractions.  To deal with my fears and triggers, he’ll be incorporating specific aftercare for punishment.  There’s also a clause that if I break a particular clause more than three times that we have to go back and rewrite that clause because it’s obviously not working so I will not be getting an opened ended number of beatings.

This is something that needs to happen.  I’m planning on going back to school in the fall and both of my kids will be in school for a full day so I have to have something already set up to occupy and organize that time.  He’s wanted to take more control over my daily life for some time now, I just haven’t been ready for it.  Today is the first day and so far it’s gone pretty well.  I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.

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