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Posts Tagged ‘Relationship’

My husband and I were talking last night about the repercussions of our attempt to do a contract and my anxiety about starting our dynamic back up.  I mean we still have our morning ritual where he puts my necklace on me before he leaves for work, kisses the back of my neck and murmurs, “I love you, Little One,” and I reply, “I love you too, Sir.”  This makes me feel safe and cherished and when I’m feeling anxious during the day, I just have to touch my pendant and know that he loves me and protects me.

He suggested last night that we start doing an hour every Wednesday night where I would wear my collar and address him as, “Sir,” and do any small tasks that I can to serve him.  The thought of wearing my collar again fills me with anxiety, that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations.  We can thank the contract for that.  He went from cherishing and protecting me to being my master and disciplinarian.  Service was performed but if I broke one of the clauses of the contract I was punished for it.  There was an edge of fear added to our interactions because I didn’t want to be paddled if I screwed up by napping when I didn’t have permission.  We only did it for two months but that was enough to change my whole perception of him.

As we were cuddling last night he apologized for breaking my trust in him.  We decided to try the contract together and I really thought it would work but you can’t discipline depression and he felt as bad if not worse about meting out discipline than I did receiving it.  His one hour a week idea is a way to try and build back that trust.  I need to not be afraid of screwing up.  I need his guidance and not his discipline.  Even with the extensive conversation we had last night about it, I’m still nervous but I really want what we had back.  It made me so happy to serve him, make meals that I know he really likes, go the extra step in doing something for him.  I’m scared about how I’m going to get there again.  There’s now performance anxiety that was never there before.  Even just writing about it now is enough to ramp up my anxiety.

I love him so much and I want what we had back again.  I’m on the road to recovery with my depression and I still need all the help I can get from him to get there.  We’re supposed to meet up tonight for a light bondage scene and that has me nervous as well.  With wearing my collar later this week, I’m not sure I can handle both.  We’re going to take it very slow and see what happens, I just need the strength to say, “No,” if it gets to be too much for me.  My libido is slowly coming back, but it takes a lot of gentle touching to get me ready for sex.  We did fool around last night and he insisted that I call him, “Sir,” and it felt natural and good so we have that going for us.

I need to remind myself that I’m his girl and he’s there to protect and cherish me – to let me let everything go and just be his to command.  Letting go of that control is what scares me the most but hopefully with some practice I’ll be able to regain my trust in him and it will get easier with time.

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The great contract experiment has come to an end.  It’s actually been over for a month now but this is the first chance I’ve had to write about it.  We just couldn’t keep it up.  It completely changed our dynamic and our sex life dried up.  My husband told me he just couldn’t do it and frankly didn’t want to be in that kind of position.  He felt like he was loosing his wife.  Everything in my life revolved around not getting punished and there were a few times where he just decided he really didn’t want to punish me.  I thought this is what I needed and I’m still not 100% sure I don’t need it, but the way we went about it caused more problems than it solved.  I still have trouble staying up in the morning but it’s more physiological due to my insomnia than depression related, and even so there’s a level of depression and exhaustion that you just can’t beat a person out of and I was there.

Right now we are trying to pick up the pieces and get back to what we had before we started the contracts, but it’s hard.  My libido seems to have all but disappeared.  I’d much rather hang out with my husband and knit instead of doing a scene.  Two weeks ago, we had spontaneous sex and it was really good.  Last week, he decided he was going to take charge and tied me down to the bed to have his way with me.  I was in no way ready for this and when he asked me if I wanted to stop I said no because I hoped I’d get in the mood as things progressed.  It was a situation where he forced arousal from me by going down on me, but it just didn’t last.  He kept pulling out of me to make me beg him to fuck me and after the second time I was completely dry and I should have come right out and said we needed lube rather than just tell him I was dry.  It ended with me being achy, him upset that he had hurt me and a bad experience all around.

We’ve been talking, trying to find ways to get me more interested in sex and doing scenes again.  Last night we were laying in bed together and he was gently rubbing my side when the switch was flipped and I really wanted him to fuck me.  It turned out great.  There were lots of Sirs, general begging, and choking on his cock which has always been one of my favorites.  It was comfortable without the edge of fear that was there last week.  I want to get back to embracing that edge of fear again, but we have to take it slowly or else it will just blow up in our faces.  It almost feels like we are starting all over again, which in a way I guess we are since we tried 24/7 and it just didn’t work for us, at least not that kind of 24/7.

We are going to try a scene tomorrow night and I’m more than I bit nervous about it.  I have performance anxiety.  What if I can’t let go?  What if it just hurts?  What if I can’t come?  These are just some of the fears swimming around in my head.  Usually we start by warming me up with spanking and that has me the most nervous of all.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to separate the sensation of being paddled for a contract infraction from the sensual feel of being spanked to warm me up for the cane.  We may try to loosen me up a bit with a glass of wine before hand to see if that will calm my nerves.  I know he’ll take everything very slow and if it doesn’t work out it won’t be the end of the world no matter how much it might feel that way.

I want to reconnect with him so much, to try and regain what we lost during the contract period.  I know we can do it, it’s just going to take time and patience.

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We’re running into a roadblock with the new contract.  In addition to the anxiety and depression, I have terrible insomnia with frequent wakings.  No medication that we’ve tried (and I think we’ve tried all of them) at this point helps.  Guided meditation doesn’t help.  An orgasm before going to sleep sometimes helps.  I’ve had a sleep study and of course fell asleep within 45 minutes but I woke up five times that night.  All they seemed concerned with was that I didn’t have sleep apnea and obviously I didn’t have insomnia since I feel asleep so quickly.  All that said, I have legitimate reasons to be tired during the day other than my depression and anxiety.

Legitimate reasons aside, what we are aiming for with the contract is to get me up and keep me up.  This puts my husband in the position of having to tell me “No” sometimes when I ask to go back to sleep.  I called him and cajoled my way around it so I could take a nap yesterday morning.  Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after 3am so we decided that I could take a nap this morning before he even left for work.  I was a bit tired this afternoon so I emailed him asking if I could lay down for an hour and ended up calling him anyway because he didn’t respond.  He told me “Yes”, but there was a tone of resignation in his voice that I didn’t like.

Later on this afternoon we talked about it.  I wanted to go back to sleep this afternoon, I didn’t really need to, but I wanted it badly enough that I had to ask his permission or face the possibility of an infraction.  He feels that since I have legitimate reasons to be tired, he cannot in good conscience tell me “No” when I ask to go back to sleep.  I don’t know what to do about this.  I was half-expecting him to tell me “No” when I asked to lay down this afternoon, I mean I was hoping for a “Yes” but I was prepared for a “No” if that’s what he decided.  It’s all well and good to say he’s going to be firm with me and tell me “No” more often when we’re in the planning stages, doing it in real time is harder for him and he’s not sure if he’s up for the challenge.

This puts the cornerstone of our contract in jeopardy.  One of the main goals of the contract is to give him more control over my life and to keep day time sleep to a minimum, instead focusing my energies on self improvement, personal pursuits, and household management.  It’s hard, but I can function on this little sleep, but the crux is that I don’t want to and therefore I push to be allowed to go back to sleep to get the rest I feel I deserve.  He knows all of this but I think it worries him in two ways.  Yes, I am tired.  I average five hours of sleep a night where I really need between seven and eight to be fully functional.  The second thing is a bit trickier.  I think he doesn’t want me to be in a position to be mad at him when he tells me “No” which in the moment is a real possibility.  It’s a catch 22 — I need someone to kick me in the ass and keep me out of bed and do stuff but I’m going to be mad at the person who is doing it to me.  The night we drew up the new contract I spent a fair amount of time sulking over the amount of control I was ceding to him in it.  So he doesn’t want me to be mad at him and I don’t want to have to be forced to do things I don’t want to do.  Not the most conducive of arrangements.

We’re going to have a big talk about the contract and these ramifications tonight and hopefully come up with something that’s going to work for us.  I need this because left to my own devices I’d just sleep the day away, lack of sleep or no because of my low grade depression.  He wants to provide that structure to me but not at the cost of my hating him for it.  I know I’m going to resent the hell out of this at times, it’s a natural reaction to giving up control.  It won’t be fun for either of us, but it’s for the better good — a happier Tsunade and more importantly a functional Tsunade.  Now we have to see if we can get past this to get to there.

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We’re getting ready to renew the contract for the month of January.  Contract-wise, the past month hasn’t been too bad.  He was probably a bit too lenient with me at times, and I should have been better this past week and a half with the kids home from school.  I have been going back to bed these past two days, but for less time each day.  Infractions were okay.  The first one was hard.  The second one was harder and I had a panic attack afterwards which wasn’t fun.  The third one was way too easy since he was afraid of triggering another panic attack and the fourth one was about right — enough for a deterrent but not enough for a trigger.

We’ll be discussing any changes we’ll be making to the contract this weekend.  Infraction counts will be set back to zero, a bit of a relief since I had two each for morning and afternoon sleep and was not looking forward to incurring a third which is a more severe punishment.  Smoking is completely off the table.  I know his reasoning for this one, but it still feels a little unfair that I can’t have the occasional cigarette with my sister when we are visiting my mom’s.  He’s going to add a few more responsibilities and tasks to be completed which should be doable.  He has a baseline of behavior to work from now and he’s going to be stricter with me which is a little scary but I think I can do it.

Living with the contract has been hard at times.  December is always a bad month for me and we haven’t been having much sex.  I’m not sure how much that has to do with the month or the contract.  We also haven’t played at all the past month and again I’m not sure how much to chalk up to our dynamic leaving the bedroom versus me just being too stressed out.  I’m hoping now that the holidays are over I can get back into the swing of things and we can start having more sex and playing on the weekends.  I miss the release of getting out of my head.  I think I’m going to try it this Saturday night and see how it goes.  There’s a part of me that’s afraid I won’t be able to let go and it will just hurt, especially in light of the corporal punishment involved in the contract — that I won’t be able to separate the feelings.  I need to relax and just go with it.  I know he’ll take care of me and that it won’t be anything like the punishments logically but my belief needs some work.

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A lot has happened over the past two years.  I suffered a major depressive episode and it’s taken me this long to pull out of it.  I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the love and support of my husband.  Between that and all the stresses of me being sick, BDSM pretty much stopped because I really wasn’t in a place where I could do anything.  We’ve just now started playing again and finding that we have to start back at square one.  There are things that I really want to do for him but my mental state is still too fragile for me to consider them right now.  I’m hoping that writing again will help with that.

I love him so much and want to give myself completely to him but I’m still scared of it, of not being able to live up to his expectations.  He’s told me that he has no expectations, that he feels privileged that I want to give myself to him.  He wants more than anything to cherish me and keep me safe.  So bear with me as I work through these feelings.

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Up until recently, any play that involved pain had a feeling of love and care to it.  I loved being able to ride the sensations and push my limits and he loved taking me there.  I know it sounds counter intuitive, but there is a nurturing aspect to our impact play, a sensual air that you would expect to see present in lovemaking rather than in being flogged or spanked.

Since we’ve been exploring both objectification and his own sadistic leanings, pain is shifting into an expression of his power and dominance of me and I’m still learning to process it.  By no means is he a sadistic bastard every time we go to fool around or even play, but he is getting more comfortable in admitting those leanings to himself so it is coming up a bit more often.  A few weeks ago we did the preparations for me to enter object space and he was, to be frank, a sadistic bastard.  I sported the bruises of the breast slapping for a good two weeks and have now developed a full-on hatred for the crop.  I made the mental preparations to get in the right mind-set and we did the work after to get me out of object space.  He had more trouble processing the scene than I did, but it was one of the first times he really let his sadistic side out to play.

Last night was a little different.  We did one of those, “But I thought you were going to tell me when you were ready to go up,” kind of things so by the time we did get upstairs it was really too late for the full-on impact play scene I was hoping for.  One thing led to another as they always do, and I got to see the kind sadist.  The kind sadist nurtures and praises me for what I can take, but it’s still outright pain he is causing me.  We have a bad habit of falling into really big things with no preparations and last night was again one of those situations.  I took a hell of a lot of breast and nipple torture last night, and towards the end it was all I could do to not cry out as he pinched and pulled at me with surprising intensity.  There was no depersonalization, his voice was kind and gentle always in complete contrast to what he was doing to me.  He told me what he wanted from me in the future, how he looked forward to kissing away my tears from the pain he inflicted on me and how he waited for the day I would beg to receive crop blows on my breasts.

This scene was much harder for me to process and I’m still doing some emotional bouncing from it.  If sadism is to be the focus of our play for the evening, I need to do similar preparations as I do for getting into object space.  This is similar to object space, but different.  There is a strong sense of the trust that exists between us and I am definitely still his girl, but oh the awful things he’s doing to his girl.  Breathing through the pain, trying to be as silent as possible and finally when I couldn’t hold back gasping and even letting out stifled cries.  Even as part of me cringes at the memories of it, I am longing to submit to him in this way again.

Due to the hour last night, we didn’t get to do much beyond basic cuddling after the scene ended.  We got to have a good debriefing this morning and deconstruct what happened and how it affected both of us.  He needed to remind me numerous times that my tears and need for care were not signs of weakness and he marveled at the strength and trust I posses to submit to him in this fashion.  He made a decision that as with the objectification, I am to be in charge of when it happens.  He will not require this type of service from me unless I am willing to give it.  After writing this post, I am coming to the conclusion that I want to give up this control to him, that I am truly at his service whether that be as his toy or his girl and it is his decision as to what he does.

As we move deeper into things, both in the bedroom and without, I am finding it easier and easier to submit to him, and in that submission I feel safe and loved.  It seems like everything I had considered a hard limit is being stripped away, or at least pushed to its utmost edge.  My fears are becoming less and less pronounced as we progress.  Every level of control I relinquish, every step I take in my submission is met with his strong hands guiding me and catching me when I take the leap.

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No, it’s not the sexy kind of struggle, but the gut wrenching kind.

My daily task from my husband/Master is to tell him what I need.  For someone who has spent her whole life focusing on taking care of others, this is a herculean task.  First, I need to overcome all of that conditioning – both the life conditioning and the “what BDSM is supposed to be” conditioning.  When I am finally able to blurt it out, I am wracked with guilt that I am being a bother or filled with panic that I am asking for too much and he will consequently leave me.  After I’ve calmed down a bit, he’ll hug me, give me a smile and say something like, “but this is what I want, pet.  I want to know what my girl needs.”

The past week has been especially hard for me in this regard because of some realizations I had last week.  I was able to finally connect the dots and see a picture that at first flooded me with relief that this wasn’t my fault and then fill me with horror that this has been and still is going on.  There is much that can be forgiven with the sentiments They did the best they could with what they had and When you know better you do better, but neither of those sentiments can even come close to erasing the years of emotional abuse, and yes I can now call it for what it is.

I have been very fragile, the kind of fragile that leaps to absurd conclusions at the slightest prompting.  My husband is not as enthusiastic as he usually is over the meal I prepared means that he detests my cooking and is going to take the kids and find a non-crazy wife who is a better cook (when I shared this with him he assures me that if he were to leave, by no means would he be taking the children with him ;)).  Telling him what I need is almost impossible for me right now.  We both got a lot of enjoyment out of exploring objectification last week, but I’m feeling more of a need to be cherished and taken care of right now.  I have told him this and he, as always, is very happy to know just what I need.  It’s just hard for me to shake the notion that someone not only wants to know what I need, but wants to do it too.

So I have not made up my mind yet, if I want to lie next to him on the couch with a blindfold and ear plugs in while he hugs and pets me or if I want to sit at his feet in the beanbag chair and knit so I can lean my head against him.  Logically, I know this is equitable.  I take care of him in a million little ways every day, it’s only natural that he should want to do the same for me.  Sometimes I feel like there should be a BDSM version of Stuart Smalley.

I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough,

and dog-gone it, people want to tie me up and spank me.

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