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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

This is really what I need to decide.  We’ve laid the groundwork for a power exchange relationship and it keeps stalling out.  Things will be going fine for a day or two then I’ll go and do something that I’m not supposed to do (like buy cigarettes without talking to him first) and we have the conversation — is this what I really want.

I do want it.  I want the security of knowing he’s taking care of me.  I want to be answerable to someone for my actions.  I want him to be in control because I keep making bad decisions over and over again.  The problem isn’t him, it’s me.  I make bad decisions (like buying cigarettes this morning) and don’t talk to him first like I’m supposed to.  This morning was stupid.  I didn’t even really need the cigarettes, I just wanted them and I didn’t want to be talked out of wanting them or have it turn into needing them because I was so stressed out about wanting them in the first place.  I told him about the cigarettes after I got home from grocery shopping this morning.  To say the least he was not pleased.  He asked me why I didn’t call him first and I told him I didn’t want to be talked out of buying them.  Then we went on the, “are you sure you can actually quit,” roller coaster again to which I always say, “Yes,” but then I do something stupid like buying cigarettes when I don’t actually need them.  It’s almost like I’m daring him to still love me when I don’t follow the rules.  His frustration and disappointment hurt, a lot.  But it’s not enough to stop me.

This has been a rough road to follow.  I’m want the power exchange but my actions say otherwise.  I still wear his collar but it doesn’t mean much if I don’t follow the rules.  I need to decide how important this is to me and get myself in gear to actually do it.  Maybe the rest of the week won’t go so bad.  I’m supposed to go onto Fet and get some advice but I’m afraid that the answer will be that I’m doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody, just another poser submissive.  Or worse yet that power exchange just isn’t for me and I need to stop trying to make it work.

He’s willing to put in the work, but am I?

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I have a leather collar that I wear when we are playing and I used to wear it in the evenings too.   I always wear a necklace and we have a ritual we do every morning when he puts it on me.  I use it as a touch stone to know that I am his and that I am loved and cherished.  Two weeks ago, my husband suggested something a bit more permanent and showed me this one that he had found.

collr-orig-a

I’ve seen it before and even flirted with the idea of getting one, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted the commitment that such a collar carried with it.  It’s not like my leather one that I take off when we are done playing and it’s not as unobtrusive as a necklace that only I know the significance of.  We’ve just started reestablishing the trust that was damaged during the contract debacle and I’ve got some major life changes happening — I’ve started going back to school, both of my kids will be in school for a full day, and I’m doing my insomnia treatment which still has me napping daily for an hour and a half.  We’ve been talking about him taking a more active role in my life, not exactly like the contract, but guiding me more and helping me realize my wants and desires.  There is no punishment aspect to this dynamic change he’s suggesting, but I will have to learn to cope with his disappointment in me which I can see being tricky for me with some of my self esteem issues (something else he’d like to work on with me).  For example, I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to quit smoking now for a few months.  We now have it set up that I have to ask permission from him to smoke and I have to have a damned good reason for wanting a cigarette.  He’s told me that he’s almost always going to say no (an exception was made when our oldest was in the hospital this week for appendicitis).  This does help me a bit because I do want to please him but I also kind of resent that I’ve given him that much control over me.

Where is all of this going?  I’m wearing the collar now.  He originally wanted it to be an anniversary present but then he decided that he wanted to order it for me so I would have it when school started for the security it would bring me.  It didn’t arrive until after my second class and when I did put it on it was a rather hurried affair because I was getting reading to take our oldest to the ER for what I thought was a minor illness which turned out to be appendicitis.  He said a lot of things before collaring me, some stuff that I’ve always just attributed to bedroom play, but I accepted it thinking that it would be nice to have it with me in the tedium of the ER.  There was also a bit of a thrill wondering if people would recognize it for what it is rather than just another piece of jewelry and a bit of dread that I would be judged for it.  That night while I was waiting for my son to get out of surgery, I was able to really think about what he said when he collared me and truthfully it made me a bit uneasy.  I felt like I had given away my autonomy with the snick of an allen wrench.

To say things have been hectic for the past three days is an understatement, so we really haven’t been able to have an in depth discussion as to what the collar actually means to my daily life.  He’s already told me he’s not going to start picking out my clothes or things like that, but he’s definitely going to be taking a more active role in my life and that’s where I need to find out what that exactly means.  I’ve worn it for three days now and the weight of it is reassuring and I know he loves me wearing it.  I want to make it work because it means so much to him, I just need to find out what it means for me.

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I’ve mentioned that I’m still dealing with anxiety and depression.  One of the ways this manifests is that I try to stay in bed/on the couch as much as possible so I don’t have to deal with thinking about things.  This is no way to function and ends up making my depression and anxiety worse.  After reading Living M/s, we came up with the idea of the husband taking more control and writing up a formal contract outlining what that control will entail.

We tried it out in November, but it did not go well.  There was always a reason for why I needed to go back to bed in the morning or doze in the afternoon and he willingly went along with whatever I said.  Then it would get to the point that I had so many infractions that the contract was useless and we would vow to, “start again on Monday.”

This incarnation of the contract is different.  For starters, he’s not going to be lenient with me any more.  I need to have a damned good reason as to why I need to go back to bed in the morning and he’ll tell me “No” if that reason isn’t good enough.  I still can tell him flat out if I can’t do it which will be dealt with on a case by case basis.

We are also incorporating corporal punishment for infractions.  This, understandably, scares the shit out of me but his reason for doing it is sound and I’m willing to put myself into his hands.  We talked about it on Saturday and I voiced my fears and he gave his reasons as to why he thought this was the way to go and I agree with him.  An infraction has to have consequences that are real and a deterrent to future infractions.  To deal with my fears and triggers, he’ll be incorporating specific aftercare for punishment.  There’s also a clause that if I break a particular clause more than three times that we have to go back and rewrite that clause because it’s obviously not working so I will not be getting an opened ended number of beatings.

This is something that needs to happen.  I’m planning on going back to school in the fall and both of my kids will be in school for a full day so I have to have something already set up to occupy and organize that time.  He’s wanted to take more control over my daily life for some time now, I just haven’t been ready for it.  Today is the first day and so far it’s gone pretty well.  I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.

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One of the hardest things to get back into is the service aspects of our dynamic.  I got a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure in serving him before I got sick.  I made eggs and bacon, corn fritters, or french toast most mornings for breakfast.  I baked several times a week.  I even made sure to serve him at family functions, fixing his plate or fetching him a Coke to drink.  It made me very happy.

When I got sick, he took over much of these tasks or they just didn’t get done.  There was no baking, he took over responsibility for his own breakfasts and feeding the kids, and he served himself on the rare occasions we visited my family for dinner.  I could barely keep it together to take care of myself and the kids on most days, serving him just had to go.

As I’ve finally started getting better over the past six months, I still haven’t picked back up on the service aspects of our dynamic.  I still make dinner every night and fix him a plate but it doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies like it used to.  Two weeks ago I started getting up early to make a hot breakfast for him and it still feels more like a chore than anything else, mostly because I’m missing out on those extra ten minutes of sleep in the morning.  To be honest, serving him like I used to actually scares me.  I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations (of which he has none for the record).  I have very high expectations for myself in this area, well in all areas truth be told, and I set myself up for automatic failure because I’m not living up to them.

It’s not just service but everything it seems.  Last night I was convinced that he was disappointed in me because it took too long for me to come and I wasn’t able to come multiple times (note: we’ve only been having regular sex now for about four months, before it was a few times a month and it usually took the hitachi to make me come if it happened at all).  I actually broke down in the middle of things because I was so upset that I couldn’t come despite his best efforts.  It wasn’t my fault, but a case of him being a bit too enthusiastic and overstimulating me.  Once I calmed down and he fucked me for a bit before finishing in my mouth, I came in about the normal amount of time for me.

Reading old blog posts leaves me feeling inadequate.  I see what we had and how long it’s going to take top get back there if we get back there at all.  I’m not even sure I want to serve him like that any more.  Our kids have gotten older and take more time and stress to take care of, I just don’t have the reserves to be all smiling and skipping, serving him his food and drink.  I get very sad because it was something that made me so happy, the little thrill I got by saying, “Here’s your breakfast, Sweetheart!”  Everything has changed and I don’t know if it will ever be like it was.  I have to remind myself that even though I feel much better than I did, I’m still recovering and the only cure for that is time and that is incredibly frustrating because I want to be better NOW.  I was a different person when I wrote and did those things.  It’s hard to have the patience to get back there or find new things to do.

In other news, my bruises from last week’s caning have all healed so guess who gets to be beaten with a stick this weekend?  He also applied a depilatory to my pussy last weekend and some stubble is coming back so we’ll have to do that again too.  I never thought not having hair there would make such a difference, but it really does so it’s something we’ll be doing for the time being.

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I have no problem with accepting the fact that I want my husband to slap me across the face, spank me, choke me a bit and otherwise use me thoroughly. Being taken care of is an entirely different story.

I’m coming down with one of those colds that’s just enough to make you feel like shit but not enough that you can justify staying in bed.  Sunday I was feeling miserable and for the first time actually allowed myself to be taken care of.  He told me to go back to bed in the morning, to take a nap in the afternoon, and to go to bed early that night.  I actually laid next to him on the couch so he could stroke my hair and whisper, “I love you, pet,” to me several times that day.  By the time the kids were in bed, I was a bit shaken because while I’ve always wanted this, I’ve never actually gotten it.  The new dynamic allows me to lower those walls of control and finally ask for what I want and need, not what I think others will deem acceptable.  So it’s freeing and scary at the same time.

The way our dynamic is unfolding feels like a natural extension of our marriage; the groundwork has been here the whole time but we’ve always avoided it because that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.  I would think that I’d be reluctant to hand over this level of control over my daily life to him, but it’s something we’ve both wanted for years.  It feels completely natural now to receive a list of chores in the morning or to ask him if I can use the computer or smoke a cigarette.  The flip side is that I can be more affectionate with him, something I’ve always wanted but have never been sure how to ask for it.  I can pout because circumstances are preventing us from playing that night and he can see just how much I desire him.  I can finally let go of my public face with him.

I am so happy to call him Master and I feel so lucky to be his girl.

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I was just reading Perverted Imp’s latest post and it creates a feeling of longing and fear in me.  As my husband and I progress, I am feeling the draw of complete submission and the fear of letting go that comes with it.  I’ve seen a few of what I thought were at least firm if not hard limits fall by the wayside in the past few weeks.  Objectification was a big one, and we were both ready to push that and cross it about the same time.  That’s been a common thread, when I have asked for something new, something that had previously been off-limits, we have talked afterwards about the feeling of rightness we both had.

Another hard limit was face slapping, and trust me when I say that I wanted nothing to do with that.  Spanking and biting I love and had no trouble processing.  Face slapping carries a LOT of baggage with it and not a little of it is triggering for me – not so much the actual action of slapping someone, but the fact that I parse it as an action filled with anger and contempt.  These are emotions that I have to keep very far away from anything we do as play.  Connecting those emotions to spanking and face slapping changes them from play to abuse for me.  Last night when we started fooling around, I had to ask him to not be quite as stern in his orders.  I want to submit to his control, but if I perceive his control being exercised using anger and humiliation it’s not play – it’s me as a child trying to not get hurt.

Last night was a tough one because not only did I have to ask for him to not be stern with me, I also climaxed without permission.  This morning I’m still a little upset about it, last night in the moment I was a few steps away from being devastated.  Right now I’m wondering if I’m cut out for this.  We have to tread such a careful path lest I become a ball of childhood PTSD and I wonder if it’s too much to ask of him.

I need to step away and call him.  This is the drop speaking and as hard as it is I need to cross my arms over my chest and let myself fall back into his waiting arms.

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If anything, this experience is telling me that I still have a lot to learn.

We recently made the transition from pretty much flirting with being 24/7 to actually doing it.  I’m not saying that we didn’t have a dynamic outside of the bedroom, because there definitely was – but it was a bit more on the role playing side of things.  Lots of stolen touches or looks, words mouthed across the room, playing with formal speech.  All of this was fun, but it was definitely starting to feel unsatisfying.

We had a series of discussion over the weekend which boiled down to the fact that we both over think things way too much.  We both worried a lot about  how the other would react to a thing, have that thing happen and afterwards confess that we both really wanted it.  In light of this and the fact that we’ve been married for 10 years, I told him to just do it.  If a line gets crossed, we’ll deal with it.  We’ll find the edges together and keep the onus of communication on both of us.

He now has much more control over my daily life.  Every evening, we go over a list of chores/tasks that he’d like to see me do the following day.  I text him as I do each one.  I call him Master in our text conversations and when I am able to throughout the day to keep him in the right mind set.  I ask for permission to do things like use the computer.  I now wear my collar every evening after we get the kids to bed and sleep in it as well.  We haven’t come upon an issue that would require punishment, but it will most likely take the form of a logical consequence/removal of some privilege.  At this point, causing disappointment is deterrent enough.

The thing is that this is a very natural progression for us – almost eerily natural.  Over the weekend we were talking about taking more control of my day and I used the phrase, “but I don’t want to make you my parent.”  I thought about it for a bit and realized just how long I’ve been saying that particular phrase in regards to his efforts to help me manage my time and in the face of our current dynamic how absurd the notion is.  Seriously, I remember saying a version of the phrase back when we were first married and I was out of work for a period.  The phrase was used to keep our distance from each other because it seemed an unhealthy dynamic to add to our relationship.  So the basis for this has been in existence for years.

Giving him the control over my day like that and giving up the bedroom control is incredibly freeing.  I was obsessing over something on Friday and asked him to restrict my computer use because of it.  When he told me that he wanted me to stay off until the evening when we would both be together, a huge sense of relief washed over me.  The other big advantage of letting go of the little things like this is that I have more mental energy available to me to make the decisions I have to make in taking care of the kids and running the house.  Knowing that after the kids are in bed and I’m his to control makes wrestling with our finances or dealing with the myriad of appointments for our kids a lot more bearable.

There’s more to blabber about, but life calls and I must get moving.

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