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Archive for the ‘d/S’ Category

This is really what I need to decide.  We’ve laid the groundwork for a power exchange relationship and it keeps stalling out.  Things will be going fine for a day or two then I’ll go and do something that I’m not supposed to do (like buy cigarettes without talking to him first) and we have the conversation — is this what I really want.

I do want it.  I want the security of knowing he’s taking care of me.  I want to be answerable to someone for my actions.  I want him to be in control because I keep making bad decisions over and over again.  The problem isn’t him, it’s me.  I make bad decisions (like buying cigarettes this morning) and don’t talk to him first like I’m supposed to.  This morning was stupid.  I didn’t even really need the cigarettes, I just wanted them and I didn’t want to be talked out of wanting them or have it turn into needing them because I was so stressed out about wanting them in the first place.  I told him about the cigarettes after I got home from grocery shopping this morning.  To say the least he was not pleased.  He asked me why I didn’t call him first and I told him I didn’t want to be talked out of buying them.  Then we went on the, “are you sure you can actually quit,” roller coaster again to which I always say, “Yes,” but then I do something stupid like buying cigarettes when I don’t actually need them.  It’s almost like I’m daring him to still love me when I don’t follow the rules.  His frustration and disappointment hurt, a lot.  But it’s not enough to stop me.

This has been a rough road to follow.  I’m want the power exchange but my actions say otherwise.  I still wear his collar but it doesn’t mean much if I don’t follow the rules.  I need to decide how important this is to me and get myself in gear to actually do it.  Maybe the rest of the week won’t go so bad.  I’m supposed to go onto Fet and get some advice but I’m afraid that the answer will be that I’m doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody, just another poser submissive.  Or worse yet that power exchange just isn’t for me and I need to stop trying to make it work.

He’s willing to put in the work, but am I?

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I have a leather collar that I wear when we are playing and I used to wear it in the evenings too.   I always wear a necklace and we have a ritual we do every morning when he puts it on me.  I use it as a touch stone to know that I am his and that I am loved and cherished.  Two weeks ago, my husband suggested something a bit more permanent and showed me this one that he had found.

collr-orig-a

I’ve seen it before and even flirted with the idea of getting one, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted the commitment that such a collar carried with it.  It’s not like my leather one that I take off when we are done playing and it’s not as unobtrusive as a necklace that only I know the significance of.  We’ve just started reestablishing the trust that was damaged during the contract debacle and I’ve got some major life changes happening — I’ve started going back to school, both of my kids will be in school for a full day, and I’m doing my insomnia treatment which still has me napping daily for an hour and a half.  We’ve been talking about him taking a more active role in my life, not exactly like the contract, but guiding me more and helping me realize my wants and desires.  There is no punishment aspect to this dynamic change he’s suggesting, but I will have to learn to cope with his disappointment in me which I can see being tricky for me with some of my self esteem issues (something else he’d like to work on with me).  For example, I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to quit smoking now for a few months.  We now have it set up that I have to ask permission from him to smoke and I have to have a damned good reason for wanting a cigarette.  He’s told me that he’s almost always going to say no (an exception was made when our oldest was in the hospital this week for appendicitis).  This does help me a bit because I do want to please him but I also kind of resent that I’ve given him that much control over me.

Where is all of this going?  I’m wearing the collar now.  He originally wanted it to be an anniversary present but then he decided that he wanted to order it for me so I would have it when school started for the security it would bring me.  It didn’t arrive until after my second class and when I did put it on it was a rather hurried affair because I was getting reading to take our oldest to the ER for what I thought was a minor illness which turned out to be appendicitis.  He said a lot of things before collaring me, some stuff that I’ve always just attributed to bedroom play, but I accepted it thinking that it would be nice to have it with me in the tedium of the ER.  There was also a bit of a thrill wondering if people would recognize it for what it is rather than just another piece of jewelry and a bit of dread that I would be judged for it.  That night while I was waiting for my son to get out of surgery, I was able to really think about what he said when he collared me and truthfully it made me a bit uneasy.  I felt like I had given away my autonomy with the snick of an allen wrench.

To say things have been hectic for the past three days is an understatement, so we really haven’t been able to have an in depth discussion as to what the collar actually means to my daily life.  He’s already told me he’s not going to start picking out my clothes or things like that, but he’s definitely going to be taking a more active role in my life and that’s where I need to find out what that exactly means.  I’ve worn it for three days now and the weight of it is reassuring and I know he loves me wearing it.  I want to make it work because it means so much to him, I just need to find out what it means for me.

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