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Archive for the ‘Frustrations’ Category

This is really what I need to decide.  We’ve laid the groundwork for a power exchange relationship and it keeps stalling out.  Things will be going fine for a day or two then I’ll go and do something that I’m not supposed to do (like buy cigarettes without talking to him first) and we have the conversation — is this what I really want.

I do want it.  I want the security of knowing he’s taking care of me.  I want to be answerable to someone for my actions.  I want him to be in control because I keep making bad decisions over and over again.  The problem isn’t him, it’s me.  I make bad decisions (like buying cigarettes this morning) and don’t talk to him first like I’m supposed to.  This morning was stupid.  I didn’t even really need the cigarettes, I just wanted them and I didn’t want to be talked out of wanting them or have it turn into needing them because I was so stressed out about wanting them in the first place.  I told him about the cigarettes after I got home from grocery shopping this morning.  To say the least he was not pleased.  He asked me why I didn’t call him first and I told him I didn’t want to be talked out of buying them.  Then we went on the, “are you sure you can actually quit,” roller coaster again to which I always say, “Yes,” but then I do something stupid like buying cigarettes when I don’t actually need them.  It’s almost like I’m daring him to still love me when I don’t follow the rules.  His frustration and disappointment hurt, a lot.  But it’s not enough to stop me.

This has been a rough road to follow.  I’m want the power exchange but my actions say otherwise.  I still wear his collar but it doesn’t mean much if I don’t follow the rules.  I need to decide how important this is to me and get myself in gear to actually do it.  Maybe the rest of the week won’t go so bad.  I’m supposed to go onto Fet and get some advice but I’m afraid that the answer will be that I’m doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody, just another poser submissive.  Or worse yet that power exchange just isn’t for me and I need to stop trying to make it work.

He’s willing to put in the work, but am I?

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My husband and I were talking last night about the repercussions of our attempt to do a contract and my anxiety about starting our dynamic back up.  I mean we still have our morning ritual where he puts my necklace on me before he leaves for work, kisses the back of my neck and murmurs, “I love you, Little One,” and I reply, “I love you too, Sir.”  This makes me feel safe and cherished and when I’m feeling anxious during the day, I just have to touch my pendant and know that he loves me and protects me.

He suggested last night that we start doing an hour every Wednesday night where I would wear my collar and address him as, “Sir,” and do any small tasks that I can to serve him.  The thought of wearing my collar again fills me with anxiety, that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations.  We can thank the contract for that.  He went from cherishing and protecting me to being my master and disciplinarian.  Service was performed but if I broke one of the clauses of the contract I was punished for it.  There was an edge of fear added to our interactions because I didn’t want to be paddled if I screwed up by napping when I didn’t have permission.  We only did it for two months but that was enough to change my whole perception of him.

As we were cuddling last night he apologized for breaking my trust in him.  We decided to try the contract together and I really thought it would work but you can’t discipline depression and he felt as bad if not worse about meting out discipline than I did receiving it.  His one hour a week idea is a way to try and build back that trust.  I need to not be afraid of screwing up.  I need his guidance and not his discipline.  Even with the extensive conversation we had last night about it, I’m still nervous but I really want what we had back.  It made me so happy to serve him, make meals that I know he really likes, go the extra step in doing something for him.  I’m scared about how I’m going to get there again.  There’s now performance anxiety that was never there before.  Even just writing about it now is enough to ramp up my anxiety.

I love him so much and I want what we had back again.  I’m on the road to recovery with my depression and I still need all the help I can get from him to get there.  We’re supposed to meet up tonight for a light bondage scene and that has me nervous as well.  With wearing my collar later this week, I’m not sure I can handle both.  We’re going to take it very slow and see what happens, I just need the strength to say, “No,” if it gets to be too much for me.  My libido is slowly coming back, but it takes a lot of gentle touching to get me ready for sex.  We did fool around last night and he insisted that I call him, “Sir,” and it felt natural and good so we have that going for us.

I need to remind myself that I’m his girl and he’s there to protect and cherish me – to let me let everything go and just be his to command.  Letting go of that control is what scares me the most but hopefully with some practice I’ll be able to regain my trust in him and it will get easier with time.

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The great contract experiment has come to an end.  It’s actually been over for a month now but this is the first chance I’ve had to write about it.  We just couldn’t keep it up.  It completely changed our dynamic and our sex life dried up.  My husband told me he just couldn’t do it and frankly didn’t want to be in that kind of position.  He felt like he was loosing his wife.  Everything in my life revolved around not getting punished and there were a few times where he just decided he really didn’t want to punish me.  I thought this is what I needed and I’m still not 100% sure I don’t need it, but the way we went about it caused more problems than it solved.  I still have trouble staying up in the morning but it’s more physiological due to my insomnia than depression related, and even so there’s a level of depression and exhaustion that you just can’t beat a person out of and I was there.

Right now we are trying to pick up the pieces and get back to what we had before we started the contracts, but it’s hard.  My libido seems to have all but disappeared.  I’d much rather hang out with my husband and knit instead of doing a scene.  Two weeks ago, we had spontaneous sex and it was really good.  Last week, he decided he was going to take charge and tied me down to the bed to have his way with me.  I was in no way ready for this and when he asked me if I wanted to stop I said no because I hoped I’d get in the mood as things progressed.  It was a situation where he forced arousal from me by going down on me, but it just didn’t last.  He kept pulling out of me to make me beg him to fuck me and after the second time I was completely dry and I should have come right out and said we needed lube rather than just tell him I was dry.  It ended with me being achy, him upset that he had hurt me and a bad experience all around.

We’ve been talking, trying to find ways to get me more interested in sex and doing scenes again.  Last night we were laying in bed together and he was gently rubbing my side when the switch was flipped and I really wanted him to fuck me.  It turned out great.  There were lots of Sirs, general begging, and choking on his cock which has always been one of my favorites.  It was comfortable without the edge of fear that was there last week.  I want to get back to embracing that edge of fear again, but we have to take it slowly or else it will just blow up in our faces.  It almost feels like we are starting all over again, which in a way I guess we are since we tried 24/7 and it just didn’t work for us, at least not that kind of 24/7.

We are going to try a scene tomorrow night and I’m more than I bit nervous about it.  I have performance anxiety.  What if I can’t let go?  What if it just hurts?  What if I can’t come?  These are just some of the fears swimming around in my head.  Usually we start by warming me up with spanking and that has me the most nervous of all.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to separate the sensation of being paddled for a contract infraction from the sensual feel of being spanked to warm me up for the cane.  We may try to loosen me up a bit with a glass of wine before hand to see if that will calm my nerves.  I know he’ll take everything very slow and if it doesn’t work out it won’t be the end of the world no matter how much it might feel that way.

I want to reconnect with him so much, to try and regain what we lost during the contract period.  I know we can do it, it’s just going to take time and patience.

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We’re running into a roadblock with the new contract.  In addition to the anxiety and depression, I have terrible insomnia with frequent wakings.  No medication that we’ve tried (and I think we’ve tried all of them) at this point helps.  Guided meditation doesn’t help.  An orgasm before going to sleep sometimes helps.  I’ve had a sleep study and of course fell asleep within 45 minutes but I woke up five times that night.  All they seemed concerned with was that I didn’t have sleep apnea and obviously I didn’t have insomnia since I feel asleep so quickly.  All that said, I have legitimate reasons to be tired during the day other than my depression and anxiety.

Legitimate reasons aside, what we are aiming for with the contract is to get me up and keep me up.  This puts my husband in the position of having to tell me “No” sometimes when I ask to go back to sleep.  I called him and cajoled my way around it so I could take a nap yesterday morning.  Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after 3am so we decided that I could take a nap this morning before he even left for work.  I was a bit tired this afternoon so I emailed him asking if I could lay down for an hour and ended up calling him anyway because he didn’t respond.  He told me “Yes”, but there was a tone of resignation in his voice that I didn’t like.

Later on this afternoon we talked about it.  I wanted to go back to sleep this afternoon, I didn’t really need to, but I wanted it badly enough that I had to ask his permission or face the possibility of an infraction.  He feels that since I have legitimate reasons to be tired, he cannot in good conscience tell me “No” when I ask to go back to sleep.  I don’t know what to do about this.  I was half-expecting him to tell me “No” when I asked to lay down this afternoon, I mean I was hoping for a “Yes” but I was prepared for a “No” if that’s what he decided.  It’s all well and good to say he’s going to be firm with me and tell me “No” more often when we’re in the planning stages, doing it in real time is harder for him and he’s not sure if he’s up for the challenge.

This puts the cornerstone of our contract in jeopardy.  One of the main goals of the contract is to give him more control over my life and to keep day time sleep to a minimum, instead focusing my energies on self improvement, personal pursuits, and household management.  It’s hard, but I can function on this little sleep, but the crux is that I don’t want to and therefore I push to be allowed to go back to sleep to get the rest I feel I deserve.  He knows all of this but I think it worries him in two ways.  Yes, I am tired.  I average five hours of sleep a night where I really need between seven and eight to be fully functional.  The second thing is a bit trickier.  I think he doesn’t want me to be in a position to be mad at him when he tells me “No” which in the moment is a real possibility.  It’s a catch 22 — I need someone to kick me in the ass and keep me out of bed and do stuff but I’m going to be mad at the person who is doing it to me.  The night we drew up the new contract I spent a fair amount of time sulking over the amount of control I was ceding to him in it.  So he doesn’t want me to be mad at him and I don’t want to have to be forced to do things I don’t want to do.  Not the most conducive of arrangements.

We’re going to have a big talk about the contract and these ramifications tonight and hopefully come up with something that’s going to work for us.  I need this because left to my own devices I’d just sleep the day away, lack of sleep or no because of my low grade depression.  He wants to provide that structure to me but not at the cost of my hating him for it.  I know I’m going to resent the hell out of this at times, it’s a natural reaction to giving up control.  It won’t be fun for either of us, but it’s for the better good — a happier Tsunade and more importantly a functional Tsunade.  Now we have to see if we can get past this to get to there.

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One of the hardest things to get back into is the service aspects of our dynamic.  I got a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure in serving him before I got sick.  I made eggs and bacon, corn fritters, or french toast most mornings for breakfast.  I baked several times a week.  I even made sure to serve him at family functions, fixing his plate or fetching him a Coke to drink.  It made me very happy.

When I got sick, he took over much of these tasks or they just didn’t get done.  There was no baking, he took over responsibility for his own breakfasts and feeding the kids, and he served himself on the rare occasions we visited my family for dinner.  I could barely keep it together to take care of myself and the kids on most days, serving him just had to go.

As I’ve finally started getting better over the past six months, I still haven’t picked back up on the service aspects of our dynamic.  I still make dinner every night and fix him a plate but it doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies like it used to.  Two weeks ago I started getting up early to make a hot breakfast for him and it still feels more like a chore than anything else, mostly because I’m missing out on those extra ten minutes of sleep in the morning.  To be honest, serving him like I used to actually scares me.  I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations (of which he has none for the record).  I have very high expectations for myself in this area, well in all areas truth be told, and I set myself up for automatic failure because I’m not living up to them.

It’s not just service but everything it seems.  Last night I was convinced that he was disappointed in me because it took too long for me to come and I wasn’t able to come multiple times (note: we’ve only been having regular sex now for about four months, before it was a few times a month and it usually took the hitachi to make me come if it happened at all).  I actually broke down in the middle of things because I was so upset that I couldn’t come despite his best efforts.  It wasn’t my fault, but a case of him being a bit too enthusiastic and overstimulating me.  Once I calmed down and he fucked me for a bit before finishing in my mouth, I came in about the normal amount of time for me.

Reading old blog posts leaves me feeling inadequate.  I see what we had and how long it’s going to take top get back there if we get back there at all.  I’m not even sure I want to serve him like that any more.  Our kids have gotten older and take more time and stress to take care of, I just don’t have the reserves to be all smiling and skipping, serving him his food and drink.  I get very sad because it was something that made me so happy, the little thrill I got by saying, “Here’s your breakfast, Sweetheart!”  Everything has changed and I don’t know if it will ever be like it was.  I have to remind myself that even though I feel much better than I did, I’m still recovering and the only cure for that is time and that is incredibly frustrating because I want to be better NOW.  I was a different person when I wrote and did those things.  It’s hard to have the patience to get back there or find new things to do.

In other news, my bruises from last week’s caning have all healed so guess who gets to be beaten with a stick this weekend?  He also applied a depilatory to my pussy last weekend and some stubble is coming back so we’ll have to do that again too.  I never thought not having hair there would make such a difference, but it really does so it’s something we’ll be doing for the time being.

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There are many reasons for the sense of unease that floods in once the euphoria of handing over another level of control or exploring something new has worn off. I am very sensitive to mood shifts, so a high automatically comes with a corresponding low. We can usually plan ahead for these and do what we can to mitigate it. Other times it’s due to the childhood mindfucks I received, and all I can do is let go and let my Master catch me. Last night, we were able to articulate the last source of unease.

When we started this journey six months ago, it was under my suggestion. My husband is the best Master I could ever ask for, but it is not a role that comes naturally to him and he’s fighting a tremendous amount of societal conditioning to be the Master I need and he wants to be. We move very slowly, especially since he crossed a line which was actually harder on him than it was on me. As a consequence, each new step into BDSM requires me topping from the bottom.

I am a sub who is rapidly realizing that she is more slave than anything. Directing my Master to do things to me or to speak to me in a specific way is unsettling. We can kind of ignore the fact that I’m pulling the strings by phrasing things in a certain way, but we both know what’s really happening. This does cause a bit of distress for me and makes me question if I’m pushing him into things; that he is dominating me because it’s what I want/need, not because it matches up with his own desires. Nothing could be further from the truth – each new level of play awakens more desires in my Master and once he finds where the edges are he comes into his own (does he ever come into his own *swoon*).

Many times we are thinking the same thing but I’m reluctant to say/ask for it being in sub-mode and he’s reluctant for fear of crossing a line. He was fucking my throat the other night and while I was happily being choked by his cock in my mouth, all I could think about was being his cum bucket (a sentiment the me of six months ago would have cringed at in disgust). I wanted to hear him call me that as he was praising me for the throat fucking. To hear my Master croon, “Are you so greedy for my cock, little girl? Do you want to be my cum bucket so badly?” as he caressed my cheek would have pushed me over the edge with delight. Even now I’m shivering just thinking about it. With some difficulty, I told him of this desire last night and he confessed that he wanted to do it in the moment as well but was afraid of crossing a line.

We are in the process of remapping my limits. In the beginning, I wanted no part in being objectified. Now, I practically beg him to call me his fuck toy, his pet. Begging was something I was sort of meh about – now I feel like its the hottest thing he can require of me. Orgasm denial? Never in a million years. Now I’m into my second day and am loving every minute of it. Being choked by his cock and cum? He cannot use me in the fashion enough – the joy and pride I feel at making him cum like this is incredible.

I’m thinking that it shouldn’t be too long before I can retreat back to the fuck toy I so long to be and he can just be my Master. I am a lucky girl, indeed.

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I woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible desire to have my nipples pinched and pulled and to be be fucked. That strong desire where I can almost feel my breasts being lifted up by the nipples and his cock sliding in and out of me. I was just getting ready to curl up to him to see if he would be willing to oblige when our youngest woke.

He came back shortly and I curled up to him in the bed, hoping that I would get the fucking that I desired. Then our oldest woke.

When he came back to bed at last, I knew it wasn’t happening. I just savored the frustration and went back to sleep lovely little dreams.

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