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Archive for the ‘Orgasm Control’ Category

I was just reading Perverted Imp’s latest post and it creates a feeling of longing and fear in me.  As my husband and I progress, I am feeling the draw of complete submission and the fear of letting go that comes with it.  I’ve seen a few of what I thought were at least firm if not hard limits fall by the wayside in the past few weeks.  Objectification was a big one, and we were both ready to push that and cross it about the same time.  That’s been a common thread, when I have asked for something new, something that had previously been off-limits, we have talked afterwards about the feeling of rightness we both had.

Another hard limit was face slapping, and trust me when I say that I wanted nothing to do with that.  Spanking and biting I love and had no trouble processing.  Face slapping carries a LOT of baggage with it and not a little of it is triggering for me – not so much the actual action of slapping someone, but the fact that I parse it as an action filled with anger and contempt.  These are emotions that I have to keep very far away from anything we do as play.  Connecting those emotions to spanking and face slapping changes them from play to abuse for me.  Last night when we started fooling around, I had to ask him to not be quite as stern in his orders.  I want to submit to his control, but if I perceive his control being exercised using anger and humiliation it’s not play – it’s me as a child trying to not get hurt.

Last night was a tough one because not only did I have to ask for him to not be stern with me, I also climaxed without permission.  This morning I’m still a little upset about it, last night in the moment I was a few steps away from being devastated.  Right now I’m wondering if I’m cut out for this.  We have to tread such a careful path lest I become a ball of childhood PTSD and I wonder if it’s too much to ask of him.

I need to step away and call him.  This is the drop speaking and as hard as it is I need to cross my arms over my chest and let myself fall back into his waiting arms.

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