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Archive for the ‘Rituals’ Category

My husband and I were talking last night about the repercussions of our attempt to do a contract and my anxiety about starting our dynamic back up.  I mean we still have our morning ritual where he puts my necklace on me before he leaves for work, kisses the back of my neck and murmurs, “I love you, Little One,” and I reply, “I love you too, Sir.”  This makes me feel safe and cherished and when I’m feeling anxious during the day, I just have to touch my pendant and know that he loves me and protects me.

He suggested last night that we start doing an hour every Wednesday night where I would wear my collar and address him as, “Sir,” and do any small tasks that I can to serve him.  The thought of wearing my collar again fills me with anxiety, that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations.  We can thank the contract for that.  He went from cherishing and protecting me to being my master and disciplinarian.  Service was performed but if I broke one of the clauses of the contract I was punished for it.  There was an edge of fear added to our interactions because I didn’t want to be paddled if I screwed up by napping when I didn’t have permission.  We only did it for two months but that was enough to change my whole perception of him.

As we were cuddling last night he apologized for breaking my trust in him.  We decided to try the contract together and I really thought it would work but you can’t discipline depression and he felt as bad if not worse about meting out discipline than I did receiving it.  His one hour a week idea is a way to try and build back that trust.  I need to not be afraid of screwing up.  I need his guidance and not his discipline.  Even with the extensive conversation we had last night about it, I’m still nervous but I really want what we had back.  It made me so happy to serve him, make meals that I know he really likes, go the extra step in doing something for him.  I’m scared about how I’m going to get there again.  There’s now performance anxiety that was never there before.  Even just writing about it now is enough to ramp up my anxiety.

I love him so much and I want what we had back again.  I’m on the road to recovery with my depression and I still need all the help I can get from him to get there.  We’re supposed to meet up tonight for a light bondage scene and that has me nervous as well.  With wearing my collar later this week, I’m not sure I can handle both.  We’re going to take it very slow and see what happens, I just need the strength to say, “No,” if it gets to be too much for me.  My libido is slowly coming back, but it takes a lot of gentle touching to get me ready for sex.  We did fool around last night and he insisted that I call him, “Sir,” and it felt natural and good so we have that going for us.

I need to remind myself that I’m his girl and he’s there to protect and cherish me – to let me let everything go and just be his to command.  Letting go of that control is what scares me the most but hopefully with some practice I’ll be able to regain my trust in him and it will get easier with time.

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There has been much talk of objectification recently.  It is something that I desire greatly but still have a lot of fear surrounding it.  I composed an email to my husband this morning to get my thoughts written down and more organized…

I can imagine myself naked, kneeling in the middle of the floor wearing my collar.  My eyes are down cast, working on achieving the proper object head space for you.  I breath in and whisper the word, “Master”, I breath out and whisper, “I am yours to use.”  I repeat this as I wait for you, sinking deeper and deeper into the head space that allows me to become your toy, to belong utterly to you, to have nothing in my mind but to follow your commands and to do whatever is asked of me.

I am yours and I do belong to you, but this is deeper.  This is the complete suppression of self to your will.  I exist for your will, and your will alone. I can go this deep because I love you and I trust you utterly.  I can completely abandon myself to you.  I will speak only when spoken to.  I will address you only as “Master” because that is who you are.  I sit patiently waiting to see how you will use me that evening with no desires or expectations outside of being your toy for this period of time.  I am completely yours.

When you are finished, I will come back and be your girl once more, your beloved pet.  Not a toy to be used, but your girl to be cherished.  I will process my object space, leave it behind and allow myself to be taken care of by you.

I do want this desperately, Master.  Will you help me achieve it?

I don’t know how deep we’ll get this weekend, but the groundwork is being laid.

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