Posts Tagged ‘Triggers’

We’re getting ready to renew the contract for the month of January.  Contract-wise, the past month hasn’t been too bad.  He was probably a bit too lenient with me at times, and I should have been better this past week and a half with the kids home from school.  I have been going back to bed these past two days, but for less time each day.  Infractions were okay.  The first one was hard.  The second one was harder and I had a panic attack afterwards which wasn’t fun.  The third one was way too easy since he was afraid of triggering another panic attack and the fourth one was about right — enough for a deterrent but not enough for a trigger.

We’ll be discussing any changes we’ll be making to the contract this weekend.  Infraction counts will be set back to zero, a bit of a relief since I had two each for morning and afternoon sleep and was not looking forward to incurring a third which is a more severe punishment.  Smoking is completely off the table.  I know his reasoning for this one, but it still feels a little unfair that I can’t have the occasional cigarette with my sister when we are visiting my mom’s.  He’s going to add a few more responsibilities and tasks to be completed which should be doable.  He has a baseline of behavior to work from now and he’s going to be stricter with me which is a little scary but I think I can do it.

Living with the contract has been hard at times.  December is always a bad month for me and we haven’t been having much sex.  I’m not sure how much that has to do with the month or the contract.  We also haven’t played at all the past month and again I’m not sure how much to chalk up to our dynamic leaving the bedroom versus me just being too stressed out.  I’m hoping now that the holidays are over I can get back into the swing of things and we can start having more sex and playing on the weekends.  I miss the release of getting out of my head.  I think I’m going to try it this Saturday night and see how it goes.  There’s a part of me that’s afraid I won’t be able to let go and it will just hurt, especially in light of the corporal punishment involved in the contract — that I won’t be able to separate the feelings.  I need to relax and just go with it.  I know he’ll take care of me and that it won’t be anything like the punishments logically but my belief needs some work.


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I’ve mentioned that I’m still dealing with anxiety and depression.  One of the ways this manifests is that I try to stay in bed/on the couch as much as possible so I don’t have to deal with thinking about things.  This is no way to function and ends up making my depression and anxiety worse.  After reading Living M/s, we came up with the idea of the husband taking more control and writing up a formal contract outlining what that control will entail.

We tried it out in November, but it did not go well.  There was always a reason for why I needed to go back to bed in the morning or doze in the afternoon and he willingly went along with whatever I said.  Then it would get to the point that I had so many infractions that the contract was useless and we would vow to, “start again on Monday.”

This incarnation of the contract is different.  For starters, he’s not going to be lenient with me any more.  I need to have a damned good reason as to why I need to go back to bed in the morning and he’ll tell me “No” if that reason isn’t good enough.  I still can tell him flat out if I can’t do it which will be dealt with on a case by case basis.

We are also incorporating corporal punishment for infractions.  This, understandably, scares the shit out of me but his reason for doing it is sound and I’m willing to put myself into his hands.  We talked about it on Saturday and I voiced my fears and he gave his reasons as to why he thought this was the way to go and I agree with him.  An infraction has to have consequences that are real and a deterrent to future infractions.  To deal with my fears and triggers, he’ll be incorporating specific aftercare for punishment.  There’s also a clause that if I break a particular clause more than three times that we have to go back and rewrite that clause because it’s obviously not working so I will not be getting an opened ended number of beatings.

This is something that needs to happen.  I’m planning on going back to school in the fall and both of my kids will be in school for a full day so I have to have something already set up to occupy and organize that time.  He’s wanted to take more control over my daily life for some time now, I just haven’t been ready for it.  Today is the first day and so far it’s gone pretty well.  I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.

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The other night we had a particularly intense scene.  He warmed me up by spanking me for about ten to fifteen minutes, had me do some fellatio and then caned me for twenty minutes.  He ‘s caned me once before and it was really good, but this time it crossed the line into the sublime.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone that deep into subspace before and truthfully I did let him go on for longer than I should have if the bruises on my ass are any indication.  After he was done, all I could do was just lay there, moaning softly for the next ten minutes or so.

Sub-drop hit me pretty hard and it made me question why I like this.  I mean, my husband just beat me with a stick for twenty minutes and I actually squirted while he was doing it.  What did it say about me that I enjoyed the hell out of it?  These thoughts really upset me and despite our normal aftercare routine I was actually in tears over it.  I mean, what was wrong with me?  He’s spanked me in the past, even gotten me into subspace a few times with it and that seemed all right, not great but I could parse it.  Being beaten with a stick and wanting more?  Somehow this was completely different.

He cuddled with me, told me there was nothing wrong with me.  Liking this didn’t make me a bad person.  It was something that happened between two consenting adults in a loving manner.  He was amazed at how I took it, how long I lasted.  He couldn’t get over the fact that I trusted him enough to let him do it to me in the first place.  He just kept holding me and praising me, telling me over and over that there was nothing wrong with me for wanting this.  I finally calmed down, but I didn’t know how much I believed him.

I was physically punished as a child and still suffer from some trauma over it.  Finding sexual gratification in an activity so close to one that terrified me is a bit hard to process.  I have to remind myself that the other night came from a place of love and trust.  It was about giving up power, not having it taken away from me.  There was no anger, no punishment.  I didn’t beg him to stop only to be ignored.  Yes, the activities are very close, but they aren’t the same.  Like a belt is a rock hard limit for me, I will never let him strike me with one because of how it was used on me as a child.  This was just a stick.  What was so bad about a stick?

It all comes down to trust and consenting adults which when you get down to it aren’t so different.  I know I enjoy pain, that I find sexual gratification from it and most of the time this sits just fine with me.  Every once in a while though I question it.  When I was sick we put practically all things BDSM away, but especially anything that involved pain.  I was in a state where I was self injuring and we both were afraid of my using that as a means to hurt myself.  I guess that is one of the reasons why I question it.  On the surface, how different is the bite of the cane from a slash of a knife?  There is a big difference though.  He was not punishing me when he was caning me.  I trusted him with my body, knowing he would never really hurt me.  Yes, sitting has been a bit on the painful side for the past two days, but there’s hurting and there’s hurting.  That’s what I need to get through my head.  Not all pain is bad.  Not all pain is punishment.  The bite of the cane is about consent and trust.  I’m not punishing myself nor am I being punished for some arbitrary reason like being bad.  This is a lesson I need to wrap my head around, but one that I know I’ll be revisiting often.

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I was just reading Perverted Imp’s latest post and it creates a feeling of longing and fear in me.  As my husband and I progress, I am feeling the draw of complete submission and the fear of letting go that comes with it.  I’ve seen a few of what I thought were at least firm if not hard limits fall by the wayside in the past few weeks.  Objectification was a big one, and we were both ready to push that and cross it about the same time.  That’s been a common thread, when I have asked for something new, something that had previously been off-limits, we have talked afterwards about the feeling of rightness we both had.

Another hard limit was face slapping, and trust me when I say that I wanted nothing to do with that.  Spanking and biting I love and had no trouble processing.  Face slapping carries a LOT of baggage with it and not a little of it is triggering for me – not so much the actual action of slapping someone, but the fact that I parse it as an action filled with anger and contempt.  These are emotions that I have to keep very far away from anything we do as play.  Connecting those emotions to spanking and face slapping changes them from play to abuse for me.  Last night when we started fooling around, I had to ask him to not be quite as stern in his orders.  I want to submit to his control, but if I perceive his control being exercised using anger and humiliation it’s not play – it’s me as a child trying to not get hurt.

Last night was a tough one because not only did I have to ask for him to not be stern with me, I also climaxed without permission.  This morning I’m still a little upset about it, last night in the moment I was a few steps away from being devastated.  Right now I’m wondering if I’m cut out for this.  We have to tread such a careful path lest I become a ball of childhood PTSD and I wonder if it’s too much to ask of him.

I need to step away and call him.  This is the drop speaking and as hard as it is I need to cross my arms over my chest and let myself fall back into his waiting arms.

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I’m having a tough time right now because my husband is having some struggles with finding what works best for him and a few of those things feel at odds with some of my own limits.  My first post was about having this dynamic without being mean.  I have issues with authority figures, in that even now as an adult I still have a residual fear of them.  I am a pleaser by nature, so displeasing someone in authority – accidentally or deliberately – causes a great deal of emotional and mental turmoil for me.  I’ve already been like this at times with my husband to begin with, but now it keeps rearing it’s ugly head and I don’t like it all.

A lot of it has to do with coping with being so open to him.  He’s the only person I’ve ever been able to do the falling backwards trust exercise with, so the groundwork is already there.  I also went through two severe bouts of major depression the year we got engaged and the first year of our marriage; periods that seriously came close to destroying our relationship.  After that, it’s no wonder that I have such a level of trust and devotion to him.  In a way that I didn’t think was possible, that trust increased a few weeks ago and consequently the few remaining walls I had in my mind to hide behind were torn down.

While showing your naked psyche to the man you love is an incredibly exhilarating experience, it’s also terrifying.  Logically I know I have nothing to be worried about.  There is nothing lurking in the shadows that he hasn’t already seen and if those two years at the beginning didn’t scare him off I don’t know what would.  I keep finding myself getting nervous, that I’m showing him too much and he’ll break from these new demands being made on him.  Thus far, nothing seems further from the truth.  Having tools at his disposal to help me when I’m getting overwhelmed instead of just watching me struggle and having to wait until I was ready to ask for help has been a Godsend.  He’s also reassured me just how precious he views my submission and trust in him, that it is sacred and to be cherished and protected.

So why am I still jittery after all of this reassurance?  Right now, a decent measure of it can be chalked up to simply biology.  Even with my regular medication, the week leading up to the end of my cycle leaves me feeling crazy.  I have to spend a great deal of energy keeping myself centered and my perceptions in the realm of reality.  This bout of PMS is being exacerbated by all of the little emotional aftershocks of the past month, which is to be expected since I am still very new to all of this and it’s a hell of a lot to process.  Lastly, I want to make him happy – more than anything else.  When he is pleased, I am pleased.

This concept is still new to me – admitting that I want to please him for pleasing’s sake.  Do I want to feel sexual ecstasy?  Of course, but that desire isn’t an end to itself anymore.  I am greedy for sexual contact, I had no idea just how libidinous I could be, but a large measure of my satisfaction is now derived from his satisfaction and now we get to the crux of the problem.  I know he’s searching for what he really wants, that while he is enjoying our play sessions and just straight fucking immensely there’s something missing that could make it better.  As a submissive of course I would take this as a failing on my part, add into that my own particular issues with authority figures and the time of the month and you get a recipe for a nervous, jittery wife/sub.

We are also struggling a bit with dialogue during play and sex.  Him being overly stern in his commands during play or calling me a bitch feels a little icky during.  Afterwards, the vacuum left by the euphoria gets filled with amorphous thoughts that I am displeasing him or that I am not good enough.  Trying to express these thoughts to him is incredibly difficult for me.  There is a lot of stuttering and false starts.  Sometimes I find that I have to say it all in one breath because that’s the only way it’s going to get out.  And the hardest thing is that it has to be said then, otherwise it just gets packed up and put away to never be spoken of again.  We weren’t able to have a debriefing session after playing one day last week and I know there was something I was uncomfortable with during but I’ll be damned if I can remember what it was now.  In fact I know it was gone by the next day, just a vague sense of something being a little off left in its wake.

Logic says that I am not responsible for him finding his way in this.  I have the right and responsibility to tell him when my emotional limits are being pushed or crossed.  He wants to know just what my needs and desires are and he will not be angry or disappointed in me for expressing them.  Oh, how much easier this would be at times if logic did indeed rule.  Instead, I am fighting a battle to keep my perceptions based in reality and not cloth my husband in garments of authority gone wrong from my childhood.  It’s amazing to me how just a word can tumble me back into that, “I’m sorry that I made you mad at me,” state – how the intervening years just melt away and I’m a child again not knowing what I did wrong but accepting responsibility for it none the less.

I took a break from writing and was able to uncover something that makes this tumult of triggers much more manageable.  I am not sick right now and have not been for quite some time.  I was dealing with PPD for a good long while after my second was born, but even that isn’t a patch on what I went through in our second and third years together.  See what I mean about keeping my perceptions based in reality?  What I’m going through is my normal PMS crazies with a dash of emotional rollercoaster thrown in for good measure so frankly my overwhelming him isn’t even in the realm of possibilities.

I love what we have right now.  The sexual side is incredible – I have never felt this vibrant and aware of my needs and sexual power in such a way before.  He has taken me to sensual heights that I never even guessed existed.  Hell, we’ve realized that I’ve been squirting several times over the past few weeks and that’s something I’ve never done before.  I’m having g-spot orgasms on a pretty regular basis – I can count on one hand the times penetration has not resulted in one during the past month.

Emotionally, I have never felt closer to him.  I can feel his love and concern wrapped around me like a warm blanket.  We have a ritual for whenever we are going to be apart for a measure of time.  He places a silver necklace around my neck while I usually have my head bowed to his chest and gives me a whispered, “You are mine.  I love you.  I will always be here for you.”  Whenever I feel lonely or scared during the day I can feel the weight of the chain against my skin and remember his words.

I know that I will be doing a lot of bouncing about.  Doubt will creep into my mind and make me question if I am displeasing him or asking too much of him.  There will be times during play where one of my triggers is brushed and I will have to fight the urge to quash my unease because I think that this is necessary to his enjoyment when what he truly wants is to know how to make me happy.  I will fight a battle with myself between my idea of being submissive to him and staying true to my own limitations.  Lastly I will have to remember that I do have worth, that I have earned his love and respect, and that it’s OK to let myself fall back knowing he’s there to catch me.

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