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Posts Tagged ‘BDSM’

This is really what I need to decide.  We’ve laid the groundwork for a power exchange relationship and it keeps stalling out.  Things will be going fine for a day or two then I’ll go and do something that I’m not supposed to do (like buy cigarettes without talking to him first) and we have the conversation — is this what I really want.

I do want it.  I want the security of knowing he’s taking care of me.  I want to be answerable to someone for my actions.  I want him to be in control because I keep making bad decisions over and over again.  The problem isn’t him, it’s me.  I make bad decisions (like buying cigarettes this morning) and don’t talk to him first like I’m supposed to.  This morning was stupid.  I didn’t even really need the cigarettes, I just wanted them and I didn’t want to be talked out of wanting them or have it turn into needing them because I was so stressed out about wanting them in the first place.  I told him about the cigarettes after I got home from grocery shopping this morning.  To say the least he was not pleased.  He asked me why I didn’t call him first and I told him I didn’t want to be talked out of buying them.  Then we went on the, “are you sure you can actually quit,” roller coaster again to which I always say, “Yes,” but then I do something stupid like buying cigarettes when I don’t actually need them.  It’s almost like I’m daring him to still love me when I don’t follow the rules.  His frustration and disappointment hurt, a lot.  But it’s not enough to stop me.

This has been a rough road to follow.  I’m want the power exchange but my actions say otherwise.  I still wear his collar but it doesn’t mean much if I don’t follow the rules.  I need to decide how important this is to me and get myself in gear to actually do it.  Maybe the rest of the week won’t go so bad.  I’m supposed to go onto Fet and get some advice but I’m afraid that the answer will be that I’m doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody, just another poser submissive.  Or worse yet that power exchange just isn’t for me and I need to stop trying to make it work.

He’s willing to put in the work, but am I?

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We’ve started scening again.  I just didn’t have the libido for vanilla sex so we started up with some light bondage to get things moving.  From there he started using the crop again on me and while it hurt (a lot sometimes), something in me must have liked it because it made me very wet.  I was definitely not feeling any pleasure from what he was doing to me so my body’s reaction confused me a bit.  His goal was to make me cry and he did succeed, fucking me while my arms were tied to the corners of the bed and tears rolling down my cheeks.  When I came, I came pretty hard.  I used to like a bit of pain with things, it made him happy, and I was obviously getting some enjoyment out of it even if I wasn’t feeling it at the time so I just went with it.

I was reading some erotica and the Wartenberg pinwheel was used in one of the scenes and I thought it might be something I would like.  We had bought one ages ago and played with it a little bit but it didn’t really do anything for me.  The next time we fooled around, I was blindfolded and he was using the crop on my nipples and I was getting close to my limit when he stopped with the crop and rolled the pinwheel on my nipples.  He had to cover my mouth to stifle the screams.  He did it a few more times (with barely any pressure he told me), all the while with me screaming into his hand over my mouth.  When he stopped and undid my ankle cuffs he was amazed at how wet I was.  When he made me come, he sucked on my battered nipple and it made everything so much more intense.

I was very confused.  I’ve always known I’m on the masochistic side of things.  When he canes me (it’s more of a rod than a cane so much more thuddy rather than stingy), it feels incredible, each stroke driving my arousal higher and higher.  Yes, there’s a bit of pain with it, but the pleasure outweighs it.  Using erotica as my guide, and yes I know it’s a poor guide, masochists were supposed to feel the pain as pleasure where all I did was scream at how much it fucking hurt.  We talked about it for several nights, the seeming disconnect between my body translating this pain into pleasure but bypassing me somehow.  He wanted to try it again.

The second time went much like the first except I was better prepared for the pain this time around.  I started arcing my back while he was using the wheel on me, still screaming into his hand on my mouth.  My body started to feel floaty and when he asked me if I had had enough, I was tempted to say, “No,” but I didn’t.  Again he marveled at how wet I was and his mouth on my tender nipple helped send me into a great orgasm.  Afterwards, I was more comfortable with my reactions.  Maybe this was how it was supposed to go for me.  Maybe there was no disconnect.  It still fucking hurt, but even though I was screaming in pain, my body was finding pleasure in it.

The third time I was well prepared for what was going to happen to me.  He suggested doing it because I needed to get out of my head for a while and I needed to feel some pain so this was the best and safest way to do that.  He had me beg to use the pinwheel on me.  Over and over, the pain and the screaming, arching my back, trying to get more.  I went into sub space this time.  At one point I stopped screaming long enough to moan, “Oh, my God!”  As soon as he felt me talk he stopped and removed his hand from my mouth and I begged him not to stop, so he covered my mouth again and went back to lightly rolling the pinwheel over my nipples.  After another minute or two he stopped and asked me if I wanted more.  My head was in the clouds and in blessed silence, my nipples aching and my throat raw from screaming.  I decided I had had enough and he fucked me.  I was so far gone that he had to use the hitachi on me to get me to come.  He sucked on one of my nipples while the hitachi buzzed away and I couldn’t get enough of it.

Writing about this now has me all sorts of aroused.  I suggested doing something else this weekend so we don’t fall into a rut but he really wants to do this to me again and I really want to go into sub space again.  Just the silence in my head, the only noise being my deep, slow breaths.  When we first started getting back into things in the summer of last year, I complained on a message board that I felt broken because things like biting that I had really liked before just hurt now and I didn’t feel like I was getting anything from it.  After the past few weeks I can finally say I don’t feel broken anymore.  It’s not like how I read about it in books, but it’s what is working for me.  He’s really looking forward to trying out some new things with me.  I haven’t really been in a position for him to give full reign to his sadistic side and now I finally am.  It was not the way I thought things were going to be, but I’m content with them for now.

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My husband and I were talking last night about the repercussions of our attempt to do a contract and my anxiety about starting our dynamic back up.  I mean we still have our morning ritual where he puts my necklace on me before he leaves for work, kisses the back of my neck and murmurs, “I love you, Little One,” and I reply, “I love you too, Sir.”  This makes me feel safe and cherished and when I’m feeling anxious during the day, I just have to touch my pendant and know that he loves me and protects me.

He suggested last night that we start doing an hour every Wednesday night where I would wear my collar and address him as, “Sir,” and do any small tasks that I can to serve him.  The thought of wearing my collar again fills me with anxiety, that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations.  We can thank the contract for that.  He went from cherishing and protecting me to being my master and disciplinarian.  Service was performed but if I broke one of the clauses of the contract I was punished for it.  There was an edge of fear added to our interactions because I didn’t want to be paddled if I screwed up by napping when I didn’t have permission.  We only did it for two months but that was enough to change my whole perception of him.

As we were cuddling last night he apologized for breaking my trust in him.  We decided to try the contract together and I really thought it would work but you can’t discipline depression and he felt as bad if not worse about meting out discipline than I did receiving it.  His one hour a week idea is a way to try and build back that trust.  I need to not be afraid of screwing up.  I need his guidance and not his discipline.  Even with the extensive conversation we had last night about it, I’m still nervous but I really want what we had back.  It made me so happy to serve him, make meals that I know he really likes, go the extra step in doing something for him.  I’m scared about how I’m going to get there again.  There’s now performance anxiety that was never there before.  Even just writing about it now is enough to ramp up my anxiety.

I love him so much and I want what we had back again.  I’m on the road to recovery with my depression and I still need all the help I can get from him to get there.  We’re supposed to meet up tonight for a light bondage scene and that has me nervous as well.  With wearing my collar later this week, I’m not sure I can handle both.  We’re going to take it very slow and see what happens, I just need the strength to say, “No,” if it gets to be too much for me.  My libido is slowly coming back, but it takes a lot of gentle touching to get me ready for sex.  We did fool around last night and he insisted that I call him, “Sir,” and it felt natural and good so we have that going for us.

I need to remind myself that I’m his girl and he’s there to protect and cherish me – to let me let everything go and just be his to command.  Letting go of that control is what scares me the most but hopefully with some practice I’ll be able to regain my trust in him and it will get easier with time.

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The great contract experiment has come to an end.  It’s actually been over for a month now but this is the first chance I’ve had to write about it.  We just couldn’t keep it up.  It completely changed our dynamic and our sex life dried up.  My husband told me he just couldn’t do it and frankly didn’t want to be in that kind of position.  He felt like he was loosing his wife.  Everything in my life revolved around not getting punished and there were a few times where he just decided he really didn’t want to punish me.  I thought this is what I needed and I’m still not 100% sure I don’t need it, but the way we went about it caused more problems than it solved.  I still have trouble staying up in the morning but it’s more physiological due to my insomnia than depression related, and even so there’s a level of depression and exhaustion that you just can’t beat a person out of and I was there.

Right now we are trying to pick up the pieces and get back to what we had before we started the contracts, but it’s hard.  My libido seems to have all but disappeared.  I’d much rather hang out with my husband and knit instead of doing a scene.  Two weeks ago, we had spontaneous sex and it was really good.  Last week, he decided he was going to take charge and tied me down to the bed to have his way with me.  I was in no way ready for this and when he asked me if I wanted to stop I said no because I hoped I’d get in the mood as things progressed.  It was a situation where he forced arousal from me by going down on me, but it just didn’t last.  He kept pulling out of me to make me beg him to fuck me and after the second time I was completely dry and I should have come right out and said we needed lube rather than just tell him I was dry.  It ended with me being achy, him upset that he had hurt me and a bad experience all around.

We’ve been talking, trying to find ways to get me more interested in sex and doing scenes again.  Last night we were laying in bed together and he was gently rubbing my side when the switch was flipped and I really wanted him to fuck me.  It turned out great.  There were lots of Sirs, general begging, and choking on his cock which has always been one of my favorites.  It was comfortable without the edge of fear that was there last week.  I want to get back to embracing that edge of fear again, but we have to take it slowly or else it will just blow up in our faces.  It almost feels like we are starting all over again, which in a way I guess we are since we tried 24/7 and it just didn’t work for us, at least not that kind of 24/7.

We are going to try a scene tomorrow night and I’m more than I bit nervous about it.  I have performance anxiety.  What if I can’t let go?  What if it just hurts?  What if I can’t come?  These are just some of the fears swimming around in my head.  Usually we start by warming me up with spanking and that has me the most nervous of all.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to separate the sensation of being paddled for a contract infraction from the sensual feel of being spanked to warm me up for the cane.  We may try to loosen me up a bit with a glass of wine before hand to see if that will calm my nerves.  I know he’ll take everything very slow and if it doesn’t work out it won’t be the end of the world no matter how much it might feel that way.

I want to reconnect with him so much, to try and regain what we lost during the contract period.  I know we can do it, it’s just going to take time and patience.

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We’re getting ready to renew the contract for the month of January.  Contract-wise, the past month hasn’t been too bad.  He was probably a bit too lenient with me at times, and I should have been better this past week and a half with the kids home from school.  I have been going back to bed these past two days, but for less time each day.  Infractions were okay.  The first one was hard.  The second one was harder and I had a panic attack afterwards which wasn’t fun.  The third one was way too easy since he was afraid of triggering another panic attack and the fourth one was about right — enough for a deterrent but not enough for a trigger.

We’ll be discussing any changes we’ll be making to the contract this weekend.  Infraction counts will be set back to zero, a bit of a relief since I had two each for morning and afternoon sleep and was not looking forward to incurring a third which is a more severe punishment.  Smoking is completely off the table.  I know his reasoning for this one, but it still feels a little unfair that I can’t have the occasional cigarette with my sister when we are visiting my mom’s.  He’s going to add a few more responsibilities and tasks to be completed which should be doable.  He has a baseline of behavior to work from now and he’s going to be stricter with me which is a little scary but I think I can do it.

Living with the contract has been hard at times.  December is always a bad month for me and we haven’t been having much sex.  I’m not sure how much that has to do with the month or the contract.  We also haven’t played at all the past month and again I’m not sure how much to chalk up to our dynamic leaving the bedroom versus me just being too stressed out.  I’m hoping now that the holidays are over I can get back into the swing of things and we can start having more sex and playing on the weekends.  I miss the release of getting out of my head.  I think I’m going to try it this Saturday night and see how it goes.  There’s a part of me that’s afraid I won’t be able to let go and it will just hurt, especially in light of the corporal punishment involved in the contract — that I won’t be able to separate the feelings.  I need to relax and just go with it.  I know he’ll take care of me and that it won’t be anything like the punishments logically but my belief needs some work.

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I’ve mentioned that I’m still dealing with anxiety and depression.  One of the ways this manifests is that I try to stay in bed/on the couch as much as possible so I don’t have to deal with thinking about things.  This is no way to function and ends up making my depression and anxiety worse.  After reading Living M/s, we came up with the idea of the husband taking more control and writing up a formal contract outlining what that control will entail.

We tried it out in November, but it did not go well.  There was always a reason for why I needed to go back to bed in the morning or doze in the afternoon and he willingly went along with whatever I said.  Then it would get to the point that I had so many infractions that the contract was useless and we would vow to, “start again on Monday.”

This incarnation of the contract is different.  For starters, he’s not going to be lenient with me any more.  I need to have a damned good reason as to why I need to go back to bed in the morning and he’ll tell me “No” if that reason isn’t good enough.  I still can tell him flat out if I can’t do it which will be dealt with on a case by case basis.

We are also incorporating corporal punishment for infractions.  This, understandably, scares the shit out of me but his reason for doing it is sound and I’m willing to put myself into his hands.  We talked about it on Saturday and I voiced my fears and he gave his reasons as to why he thought this was the way to go and I agree with him.  An infraction has to have consequences that are real and a deterrent to future infractions.  To deal with my fears and triggers, he’ll be incorporating specific aftercare for punishment.  There’s also a clause that if I break a particular clause more than three times that we have to go back and rewrite that clause because it’s obviously not working so I will not be getting an opened ended number of beatings.

This is something that needs to happen.  I’m planning on going back to school in the fall and both of my kids will be in school for a full day so I have to have something already set up to occupy and organize that time.  He’s wanted to take more control over my daily life for some time now, I just haven’t been ready for it.  Today is the first day and so far it’s gone pretty well.  I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.

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The other night we had a particularly intense scene.  He warmed me up by spanking me for about ten to fifteen minutes, had me do some fellatio and then caned me for twenty minutes.  He ‘s caned me once before and it was really good, but this time it crossed the line into the sublime.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone that deep into subspace before and truthfully I did let him go on for longer than I should have if the bruises on my ass are any indication.  After he was done, all I could do was just lay there, moaning softly for the next ten minutes or so.

Sub-drop hit me pretty hard and it made me question why I like this.  I mean, my husband just beat me with a stick for twenty minutes and I actually squirted while he was doing it.  What did it say about me that I enjoyed the hell out of it?  These thoughts really upset me and despite our normal aftercare routine I was actually in tears over it.  I mean, what was wrong with me?  He’s spanked me in the past, even gotten me into subspace a few times with it and that seemed all right, not great but I could parse it.  Being beaten with a stick and wanting more?  Somehow this was completely different.

He cuddled with me, told me there was nothing wrong with me.  Liking this didn’t make me a bad person.  It was something that happened between two consenting adults in a loving manner.  He was amazed at how I took it, how long I lasted.  He couldn’t get over the fact that I trusted him enough to let him do it to me in the first place.  He just kept holding me and praising me, telling me over and over that there was nothing wrong with me for wanting this.  I finally calmed down, but I didn’t know how much I believed him.

I was physically punished as a child and still suffer from some trauma over it.  Finding sexual gratification in an activity so close to one that terrified me is a bit hard to process.  I have to remind myself that the other night came from a place of love and trust.  It was about giving up power, not having it taken away from me.  There was no anger, no punishment.  I didn’t beg him to stop only to be ignored.  Yes, the activities are very close, but they aren’t the same.  Like a belt is a rock hard limit for me, I will never let him strike me with one because of how it was used on me as a child.  This was just a stick.  What was so bad about a stick?

It all comes down to trust and consenting adults which when you get down to it aren’t so different.  I know I enjoy pain, that I find sexual gratification from it and most of the time this sits just fine with me.  Every once in a while though I question it.  When I was sick we put practically all things BDSM away, but especially anything that involved pain.  I was in a state where I was self injuring and we both were afraid of my using that as a means to hurt myself.  I guess that is one of the reasons why I question it.  On the surface, how different is the bite of the cane from a slash of a knife?  There is a big difference though.  He was not punishing me when he was caning me.  I trusted him with my body, knowing he would never really hurt me.  Yes, sitting has been a bit on the painful side for the past two days, but there’s hurting and there’s hurting.  That’s what I need to get through my head.  Not all pain is bad.  Not all pain is punishment.  The bite of the cane is about consent and trust.  I’m not punishing myself nor am I being punished for some arbitrary reason like being bad.  This is a lesson I need to wrap my head around, but one that I know I’ll be revisiting often.

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