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Archive for October, 2009

Look at what I can do!

I managed to give my husband a prostate orgasm last night (thank you Google <3)!

At first we had no idea what had happened.  He was going crazy with all that I was doing to him and then we were certain he came but there was nothing in my mouth.  We ended up taking a break from things because he felt so sensitive and I felt disappointed that he didn’t come like we thought he did.  After playing with me for a while, we went back to just straight fellatio and I finally got him to come in my mouth (which is something I just can’t get enough of).  I was seriously so happy that I could have just gone to sleep then and there without having my own orgasm.  The orgasm I did get was very nice, but making him come like that – especially to be moaning and calling my name which is something he rarely does was the most satisfying thing that evening.

I’ve been making an effort to improve my fellatio technique and he has been praising me for the strides I’ve been making.  Before I could take or leave fellatio, it was nice but only something I wanted to do every once and a while and I never wanted him to come in  my mouth.  Now, a day doesn’t go by without at least one short day-dream about sucking his cock.

I’ve always felt very greedy sexually – he spent so much time doing things to increase my arousal and pleasure where doing things for him felt like work to me. That’s why I’m so surprised at this new state of affairs – that I’m deriving so much satisfaction in pleasuring him to the point that it’s an end to itself.  I love it when he fucks me after an intense play session, but the last few times I feel like I could have gone without – all the begging for more and his praise for how much I can take feels like it’s enough.  Granted, we haven’t really tested this yet – there’s no guarantee that I won’t be waking him up in the middle of the night asking him to fuck me or play with me until I come.  I’m actually kind of interested to see where being sexually frustrated will go.

Hmmm, food for thought…

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I haven’t had the time to really sit down and focus on writing, so I’m cribbing a post from a message board on what submission means to me.

I know I’ve always had a submissive nature, although most would never guess at it. If someone was needed to take charge of a situation, I would be that person although I really disliked being in that position and it takes a lot out of me emotionally. I have always taken care of my husband – done all those little things to show him how I love him like make his favorite foods and serve him his meals. There has always been an element of resentment involved in those tasks though, since I felt he was taking me for granted and I was not being taken care of in kind.

Since falling head-first into BDSM with my husband a month or so ago, I would say my submission is like that exercise where you cross your arms on your chest and fall backwards, trusting that he will be there to catch me and since I’ve been able to do that with my mind, body and soul our entire marriage is so different now. A request or even a gentle command to get him a drink or make a small meal would have garnered him a “Are you fucking kidding me?” look – now I practically skip off to do whatever he has asked of me and will smile shyly as I bring it to him. He is so much more aware of my needs – when I am feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities he can center me in a way I never dreamed possible. I can actually tell him what’s going on inside my head rather than fester with resentment that he can’t see how much I need some TLC.

I am better at handling our finances and taking care of household management – there is no reason for me to turn over these tasks to him because it’s more of a dominant’s job to be in charge of money. He is better at organizing and household chores than I am – again me performing those traditional submissive acts would not benefit our marriage/relationship in the least. There are many situations where I take the dominant role and it would be detrimental to all for him to take over those tasks. We respect each other, but there is no way he’s going to punish me for snapping at him because I’m in a bad mood. Will he talk to me about it afterwards and try to figure out why I’m in a bad mood and what he can do to help me? – a definite “Yes”. I am most definitely his girl, and on many occasions will defer to him or seek reassurance that I am pleasing him but we have no interest in maintaining that 24/7 – it’s much more satisfying to us when it happens organically.

While I’ve always tried to make him happy and serve him, my submission involves taking down those last couple of walls and presenting him with my naked self – and he treasures me for it and views it as the incredible gift that it is.

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Well that’s something

I did the math last night.  I have had sex at least once a day every day for the past five weeks with the exception of two nights that were followed by sex the next morning.

35 days of sex.  I am blown away.

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After many false starts and much pushing from my husband, we had a long talk last night about issues that have been unsettling to me and he realized just how much he was over thinking things. The conversation ended on a good note and we both felt relieved to have everything out in the open. I shyly suggested that I would very much like to be “intimate” with him this evening since I felt so much better for having talked.

I’m not sure how it happened, but it feels like everything fell into place last night. While we were playing he was kind and loving, giving me lots of positive reinforcement but still teasing me considerably to keep me off my toes which creates a positively wonderful tension. He started calling me his girl, which feels right on so many levels. It was an incredible session. He pinched and bit my nipples, praising me for how much I could take. I begged him to be allowed to have him come in my mouth and with some verbal direction from him I was able to with just my mouth and hands which was a victory for me since I haven’t been able to do that for some time. He made me come with his fingers and I once again squirted (and of course forgot to lay something down under me beforehand). We cuddled afterwards and it was the sweetest moment I’ve had with him so far. There was such positive energy flowing and we finally found exactly what I was looking for and it seems to fit what he’s looking for as well which is just incredible.

So now I’m his sweet girl and I cannot begin to describe how happy that makes me.

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I’m having a tough time right now because my husband is having some struggles with finding what works best for him and a few of those things feel at odds with some of my own limits.  My first post was about having this dynamic without being mean.  I have issues with authority figures, in that even now as an adult I still have a residual fear of them.  I am a pleaser by nature, so displeasing someone in authority – accidentally or deliberately – causes a great deal of emotional and mental turmoil for me.  I’ve already been like this at times with my husband to begin with, but now it keeps rearing it’s ugly head and I don’t like it all.

A lot of it has to do with coping with being so open to him.  He’s the only person I’ve ever been able to do the falling backwards trust exercise with, so the groundwork is already there.  I also went through two severe bouts of major depression the year we got engaged and the first year of our marriage; periods that seriously came close to destroying our relationship.  After that, it’s no wonder that I have such a level of trust and devotion to him.  In a way that I didn’t think was possible, that trust increased a few weeks ago and consequently the few remaining walls I had in my mind to hide behind were torn down.

While showing your naked psyche to the man you love is an incredibly exhilarating experience, it’s also terrifying.  Logically I know I have nothing to be worried about.  There is nothing lurking in the shadows that he hasn’t already seen and if those two years at the beginning didn’t scare him off I don’t know what would.  I keep finding myself getting nervous, that I’m showing him too much and he’ll break from these new demands being made on him.  Thus far, nothing seems further from the truth.  Having tools at his disposal to help me when I’m getting overwhelmed instead of just watching me struggle and having to wait until I was ready to ask for help has been a Godsend.  He’s also reassured me just how precious he views my submission and trust in him, that it is sacred and to be cherished and protected.

So why am I still jittery after all of this reassurance?  Right now, a decent measure of it can be chalked up to simply biology.  Even with my regular medication, the week leading up to the end of my cycle leaves me feeling crazy.  I have to spend a great deal of energy keeping myself centered and my perceptions in the realm of reality.  This bout of PMS is being exacerbated by all of the little emotional aftershocks of the past month, which is to be expected since I am still very new to all of this and it’s a hell of a lot to process.  Lastly, I want to make him happy – more than anything else.  When he is pleased, I am pleased.

This concept is still new to me – admitting that I want to please him for pleasing’s sake.  Do I want to feel sexual ecstasy?  Of course, but that desire isn’t an end to itself anymore.  I am greedy for sexual contact, I had no idea just how libidinous I could be, but a large measure of my satisfaction is now derived from his satisfaction and now we get to the crux of the problem.  I know he’s searching for what he really wants, that while he is enjoying our play sessions and just straight fucking immensely there’s something missing that could make it better.  As a submissive of course I would take this as a failing on my part, add into that my own particular issues with authority figures and the time of the month and you get a recipe for a nervous, jittery wife/sub.

We are also struggling a bit with dialogue during play and sex.  Him being overly stern in his commands during play or calling me a bitch feels a little icky during.  Afterwards, the vacuum left by the euphoria gets filled with amorphous thoughts that I am displeasing him or that I am not good enough.  Trying to express these thoughts to him is incredibly difficult for me.  There is a lot of stuttering and false starts.  Sometimes I find that I have to say it all in one breath because that’s the only way it’s going to get out.  And the hardest thing is that it has to be said then, otherwise it just gets packed up and put away to never be spoken of again.  We weren’t able to have a debriefing session after playing one day last week and I know there was something I was uncomfortable with during but I’ll be damned if I can remember what it was now.  In fact I know it was gone by the next day, just a vague sense of something being a little off left in its wake.

Logic says that I am not responsible for him finding his way in this.  I have the right and responsibility to tell him when my emotional limits are being pushed or crossed.  He wants to know just what my needs and desires are and he will not be angry or disappointed in me for expressing them.  Oh, how much easier this would be at times if logic did indeed rule.  Instead, I am fighting a battle to keep my perceptions based in reality and not cloth my husband in garments of authority gone wrong from my childhood.  It’s amazing to me how just a word can tumble me back into that, “I’m sorry that I made you mad at me,” state – how the intervening years just melt away and I’m a child again not knowing what I did wrong but accepting responsibility for it none the less.


I took a break from writing and was able to uncover something that makes this tumult of triggers much more manageable.  I am not sick right now and have not been for quite some time.  I was dealing with PPD for a good long while after my second was born, but even that isn’t a patch on what I went through in our second and third years together.  See what I mean about keeping my perceptions based in reality?  What I’m going through is my normal PMS crazies with a dash of emotional rollercoaster thrown in for good measure so frankly my overwhelming him isn’t even in the realm of possibilities.

I love what we have right now.  The sexual side is incredible – I have never felt this vibrant and aware of my needs and sexual power in such a way before.  He has taken me to sensual heights that I never even guessed existed.  Hell, we’ve realized that I’ve been squirting several times over the past few weeks and that’s something I’ve never done before.  I’m having g-spot orgasms on a pretty regular basis – I can count on one hand the times penetration has not resulted in one during the past month.

Emotionally, I have never felt closer to him.  I can feel his love and concern wrapped around me like a warm blanket.  We have a ritual for whenever we are going to be apart for a measure of time.  He places a silver necklace around my neck while I usually have my head bowed to his chest and gives me a whispered, “You are mine.  I love you.  I will always be here for you.”  Whenever I feel lonely or scared during the day I can feel the weight of the chain against my skin and remember his words.

I know that I will be doing a lot of bouncing about.  Doubt will creep into my mind and make me question if I am displeasing him or asking too much of him.  There will be times during play where one of my triggers is brushed and I will have to fight the urge to quash my unease because I think that this is necessary to his enjoyment when what he truly wants is to know how to make me happy.  I will fight a battle with myself between my idea of being submissive to him and staying true to my own limitations.  Lastly I will have to remember that I do have worth, that I have earned his love and respect, and that it’s OK to let myself fall back knowing he’s there to catch me.

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We’ve always had a pretty strong marriage, one that we work at to keep it that way.  Since falling into the BDSM pool head-first a few weeks ago,  the increase in communication is astounding.  My husband is reminding himself that if I’m aroused, it does not mean we have to have sex because he’ll have no idea when the next time I want it will be.  Now that a large portion of my energy is not going towards maintaining a low level of resentment for being underappreciated,  my libido is through the roof.  I knew I felt stressed out by doing all the little things to take care of him that I felt I had to do, but I had no idea just how much it took out of me.

And the sex – oh my God, the sex.  Clamps and crops and handcuffs – oh my!  I have had more sex the past three weeks than I have had in the past 4 or 5 months.  This isn’t that just so-so sex either – this is mind blowing, what will the neighbors think, I’m getting close to being able to have multiple orgasms kind of sex.  He’s been toying with orgasm control and we’ve already had some success.  It’s an incredible rush to be just plugging along and have him command me to have an orgasm and feel it roll right on in.  Thus far I have to be ready for it to happen and have a certain amount of sub-space going on, but it’s still pretty fucking (pun intended) cool.

I think that’s a decent note to end on – I’ll blather about the ins and outs of my marriage another time 😛

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In a way, entering into a D/s dynamic is a very natural turn for our marriage to take.  I’ve practically been a sub this whole time, it just wasn’t acknowledged.  I’ve always taken care of him, brought him his dinner or a snack, baked for him, gone out of my way to pick up a special treat for him.  I’ve also always been a bit resentful of it as well.  I know he’s never really expected it, but who is going to argue when your wife takes care of you in this way?  If I was tired or overwhelmed, I’d get into this argument with myself about how I had to do these things for him even though I barely had the energy to take care of myself.  I’d be simmering with anger and resentment and lash out at him while he had no clue what was going on.  We settled things a bit a few years back that I would work to stop the preemptive anger if he agreed to remember the three times a year he had to do something for me – poinsettia at Christmas, lilies at Easter and red geraniums for Mother’s Day.  It’s worked, a bit – but it still left me seething at times that my needs went unnoticed.

Now that he’s my dominant, that has completely changed.  I get that happy thrill in doing for him because he’s so much more aware of my own needs.  Yesterday I was feeling a bit sick and our youngest (as is his wont these days it seems) had put me through the wringer.  He left work, stopped at the store for groceries, picked up our oldest from school and sent me to bed to sleep until I woke up.  Later that night when I was again struggling with our youngest and I came back to bed a seething mess of resentment, he got me to admit that I needed an orgasm to relax and gave it to me.  To be able to admit my needs so openly to him is a little scary to me, but he is so happy to know what’s going on inside my head and to be able to actually do something about it.

I’m also feeling the draw of being more than just his submissive.  The thought of having a collar for nights when I wish to be his to use as he sees fit is very attractive to me.  I don’t know if it’s something that I would want all the time, but it’s more than submission, that there is an aspect of ownership that I wish for him to have over me.  I find that it’s something I especially want if we are out together on a the ever so rare date, that I want something that marks me as belonging to him.  I’ve been exploring my own desires and limits a great deal the past week and I am surprised at what I’m finding.

Last week I didn’t like what “own” implied, this week I’m embracing it head-on.  I still have no idea where I’ll end up – but I’m sure enjoying the ride.

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