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Posts Tagged ‘Sadism’

We’ve started scening again.  I just didn’t have the libido for vanilla sex so we started up with some light bondage to get things moving.  From there he started using the crop again on me and while it hurt (a lot sometimes), something in me must have liked it because it made me very wet.  I was definitely not feeling any pleasure from what he was doing to me so my body’s reaction confused me a bit.  His goal was to make me cry and he did succeed, fucking me while my arms were tied to the corners of the bed and tears rolling down my cheeks.  When I came, I came pretty hard.  I used to like a bit of pain with things, it made him happy, and I was obviously getting some enjoyment out of it even if I wasn’t feeling it at the time so I just went with it.

I was reading some erotica and the Wartenberg pinwheel was used in one of the scenes and I thought it might be something I would like.  We had bought one ages ago and played with it a little bit but it didn’t really do anything for me.  The next time we fooled around, I was blindfolded and he was using the crop on my nipples and I was getting close to my limit when he stopped with the crop and rolled the pinwheel on my nipples.  He had to cover my mouth to stifle the screams.  He did it a few more times (with barely any pressure he told me), all the while with me screaming into his hand over my mouth.  When he stopped and undid my ankle cuffs he was amazed at how wet I was.  When he made me come, he sucked on my battered nipple and it made everything so much more intense.

I was very confused.  I’ve always known I’m on the masochistic side of things.  When he canes me (it’s more of a rod than a cane so much more thuddy rather than stingy), it feels incredible, each stroke driving my arousal higher and higher.  Yes, there’s a bit of pain with it, but the pleasure outweighs it.  Using erotica as my guide, and yes I know it’s a poor guide, masochists were supposed to feel the pain as pleasure where all I did was scream at how much it fucking hurt.  We talked about it for several nights, the seeming disconnect between my body translating this pain into pleasure but bypassing me somehow.  He wanted to try it again.

The second time went much like the first except I was better prepared for the pain this time around.  I started arcing my back while he was using the wheel on me, still screaming into his hand on my mouth.  My body started to feel floaty and when he asked me if I had had enough, I was tempted to say, “No,” but I didn’t.  Again he marveled at how wet I was and his mouth on my tender nipple helped send me into a great orgasm.  Afterwards, I was more comfortable with my reactions.  Maybe this was how it was supposed to go for me.  Maybe there was no disconnect.  It still fucking hurt, but even though I was screaming in pain, my body was finding pleasure in it.

The third time I was well prepared for what was going to happen to me.  He suggested doing it because I needed to get out of my head for a while and I needed to feel some pain so this was the best and safest way to do that.  He had me beg to use the pinwheel on me.  Over and over, the pain and the screaming, arching my back, trying to get more.  I went into sub space this time.  At one point I stopped screaming long enough to moan, “Oh, my God!”  As soon as he felt me talk he stopped and removed his hand from my mouth and I begged him not to stop, so he covered my mouth again and went back to lightly rolling the pinwheel over my nipples.  After another minute or two he stopped and asked me if I wanted more.  My head was in the clouds and in blessed silence, my nipples aching and my throat raw from screaming.  I decided I had had enough and he fucked me.  I was so far gone that he had to use the hitachi on me to get me to come.  He sucked on one of my nipples while the hitachi buzzed away and I couldn’t get enough of it.

Writing about this now has me all sorts of aroused.  I suggested doing something else this weekend so we don’t fall into a rut but he really wants to do this to me again and I really want to go into sub space again.  Just the silence in my head, the only noise being my deep, slow breaths.  When we first started getting back into things in the summer of last year, I complained on a message board that I felt broken because things like biting that I had really liked before just hurt now and I didn’t feel like I was getting anything from it.  After the past few weeks I can finally say I don’t feel broken anymore.  It’s not like how I read about it in books, but it’s what is working for me.  He’s really looking forward to trying out some new things with me.  I haven’t really been in a position for him to give full reign to his sadistic side and now I finally am.  It was not the way I thought things were going to be, but I’m content with them for now.

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Up until recently, any play that involved pain had a feeling of love and care to it.  I loved being able to ride the sensations and push my limits and he loved taking me there.  I know it sounds counter intuitive, but there is a nurturing aspect to our impact play, a sensual air that you would expect to see present in lovemaking rather than in being flogged or spanked.

Since we’ve been exploring both objectification and his own sadistic leanings, pain is shifting into an expression of his power and dominance of me and I’m still learning to process it.  By no means is he a sadistic bastard every time we go to fool around or even play, but he is getting more comfortable in admitting those leanings to himself so it is coming up a bit more often.  A few weeks ago we did the preparations for me to enter object space and he was, to be frank, a sadistic bastard.  I sported the bruises of the breast slapping for a good two weeks and have now developed a full-on hatred for the crop.  I made the mental preparations to get in the right mind-set and we did the work after to get me out of object space.  He had more trouble processing the scene than I did, but it was one of the first times he really let his sadistic side out to play.

Last night was a little different.  We did one of those, “But I thought you were going to tell me when you were ready to go up,” kind of things so by the time we did get upstairs it was really too late for the full-on impact play scene I was hoping for.  One thing led to another as they always do, and I got to see the kind sadist.  The kind sadist nurtures and praises me for what I can take, but it’s still outright pain he is causing me.  We have a bad habit of falling into really big things with no preparations and last night was again one of those situations.  I took a hell of a lot of breast and nipple torture last night, and towards the end it was all I could do to not cry out as he pinched and pulled at me with surprising intensity.  There was no depersonalization, his voice was kind and gentle always in complete contrast to what he was doing to me.  He told me what he wanted from me in the future, how he looked forward to kissing away my tears from the pain he inflicted on me and how he waited for the day I would beg to receive crop blows on my breasts.

This scene was much harder for me to process and I’m still doing some emotional bouncing from it.  If sadism is to be the focus of our play for the evening, I need to do similar preparations as I do for getting into object space.  This is similar to object space, but different.  There is a strong sense of the trust that exists between us and I am definitely still his girl, but oh the awful things he’s doing to his girl.  Breathing through the pain, trying to be as silent as possible and finally when I couldn’t hold back gasping and even letting out stifled cries.  Even as part of me cringes at the memories of it, I am longing to submit to him in this way again.

Due to the hour last night, we didn’t get to do much beyond basic cuddling after the scene ended.  We got to have a good debriefing this morning and deconstruct what happened and how it affected both of us.  He needed to remind me numerous times that my tears and need for care were not signs of weakness and he marveled at the strength and trust I posses to submit to him in this fashion.  He made a decision that as with the objectification, I am to be in charge of when it happens.  He will not require this type of service from me unless I am willing to give it.  After writing this post, I am coming to the conclusion that I want to give up this control to him, that I am truly at his service whether that be as his toy or his girl and it is his decision as to what he does.

As we move deeper into things, both in the bedroom and without, I am finding it easier and easier to submit to him, and in that submission I feel safe and loved.  It seems like everything I had considered a hard limit is being stripped away, or at least pushed to its utmost edge.  My fears are becoming less and less pronounced as we progress.  Every level of control I relinquish, every step I take in my submission is met with his strong hands guiding me and catching me when I take the leap.

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