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Archive for the ‘Collar’ Category

This is really what I need to decide.  We’ve laid the groundwork for a power exchange relationship and it keeps stalling out.  Things will be going fine for a day or two then I’ll go and do something that I’m not supposed to do (like buy cigarettes without talking to him first) and we have the conversation — is this what I really want.

I do want it.  I want the security of knowing he’s taking care of me.  I want to be answerable to someone for my actions.  I want him to be in control because I keep making bad decisions over and over again.  The problem isn’t him, it’s me.  I make bad decisions (like buying cigarettes this morning) and don’t talk to him first like I’m supposed to.  This morning was stupid.  I didn’t even really need the cigarettes, I just wanted them and I didn’t want to be talked out of wanting them or have it turn into needing them because I was so stressed out about wanting them in the first place.  I told him about the cigarettes after I got home from grocery shopping this morning.  To say the least he was not pleased.  He asked me why I didn’t call him first and I told him I didn’t want to be talked out of buying them.  Then we went on the, “are you sure you can actually quit,” roller coaster again to which I always say, “Yes,” but then I do something stupid like buying cigarettes when I don’t actually need them.  It’s almost like I’m daring him to still love me when I don’t follow the rules.  His frustration and disappointment hurt, a lot.  But it’s not enough to stop me.

This has been a rough road to follow.  I’m want the power exchange but my actions say otherwise.  I still wear his collar but it doesn’t mean much if I don’t follow the rules.  I need to decide how important this is to me and get myself in gear to actually do it.  Maybe the rest of the week won’t go so bad.  I’m supposed to go onto Fet and get some advice but I’m afraid that the answer will be that I’m doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody, just another poser submissive.  Or worse yet that power exchange just isn’t for me and I need to stop trying to make it work.

He’s willing to put in the work, but am I?

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I have a leather collar that I wear when we are playing and I used to wear it in the evenings too.   I always wear a necklace and we have a ritual we do every morning when he puts it on me.  I use it as a touch stone to know that I am his and that I am loved and cherished.  Two weeks ago, my husband suggested something a bit more permanent and showed me this one that he had found.

collr-orig-a

I’ve seen it before and even flirted with the idea of getting one, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted the commitment that such a collar carried with it.  It’s not like my leather one that I take off when we are done playing and it’s not as unobtrusive as a necklace that only I know the significance of.  We’ve just started reestablishing the trust that was damaged during the contract debacle and I’ve got some major life changes happening — I’ve started going back to school, both of my kids will be in school for a full day, and I’m doing my insomnia treatment which still has me napping daily for an hour and a half.  We’ve been talking about him taking a more active role in my life, not exactly like the contract, but guiding me more and helping me realize my wants and desires.  There is no punishment aspect to this dynamic change he’s suggesting, but I will have to learn to cope with his disappointment in me which I can see being tricky for me with some of my self esteem issues (something else he’d like to work on with me).  For example, I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to quit smoking now for a few months.  We now have it set up that I have to ask permission from him to smoke and I have to have a damned good reason for wanting a cigarette.  He’s told me that he’s almost always going to say no (an exception was made when our oldest was in the hospital this week for appendicitis).  This does help me a bit because I do want to please him but I also kind of resent that I’ve given him that much control over me.

Where is all of this going?  I’m wearing the collar now.  He originally wanted it to be an anniversary present but then he decided that he wanted to order it for me so I would have it when school started for the security it would bring me.  It didn’t arrive until after my second class and when I did put it on it was a rather hurried affair because I was getting reading to take our oldest to the ER for what I thought was a minor illness which turned out to be appendicitis.  He said a lot of things before collaring me, some stuff that I’ve always just attributed to bedroom play, but I accepted it thinking that it would be nice to have it with me in the tedium of the ER.  There was also a bit of a thrill wondering if people would recognize it for what it is rather than just another piece of jewelry and a bit of dread that I would be judged for it.  That night while I was waiting for my son to get out of surgery, I was able to really think about what he said when he collared me and truthfully it made me a bit uneasy.  I felt like I had given away my autonomy with the snick of an allen wrench.

To say things have been hectic for the past three days is an understatement, so we really haven’t been able to have an in depth discussion as to what the collar actually means to my daily life.  He’s already told me he’s not going to start picking out my clothes or things like that, but he’s definitely going to be taking a more active role in my life and that’s where I need to find out what that exactly means.  I’ve worn it for three days now and the weight of it is reassuring and I know he loves me wearing it.  I want to make it work because it means so much to him, I just need to find out what it means for me.

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My husband and I were talking last night about the repercussions of our attempt to do a contract and my anxiety about starting our dynamic back up.  I mean we still have our morning ritual where he puts my necklace on me before he leaves for work, kisses the back of my neck and murmurs, “I love you, Little One,” and I reply, “I love you too, Sir.”  This makes me feel safe and cherished and when I’m feeling anxious during the day, I just have to touch my pendant and know that he loves me and protects me.

He suggested last night that we start doing an hour every Wednesday night where I would wear my collar and address him as, “Sir,” and do any small tasks that I can to serve him.  The thought of wearing my collar again fills me with anxiety, that I’m not going to be able to live up to his expectations.  We can thank the contract for that.  He went from cherishing and protecting me to being my master and disciplinarian.  Service was performed but if I broke one of the clauses of the contract I was punished for it.  There was an edge of fear added to our interactions because I didn’t want to be paddled if I screwed up by napping when I didn’t have permission.  We only did it for two months but that was enough to change my whole perception of him.

As we were cuddling last night he apologized for breaking my trust in him.  We decided to try the contract together and I really thought it would work but you can’t discipline depression and he felt as bad if not worse about meting out discipline than I did receiving it.  His one hour a week idea is a way to try and build back that trust.  I need to not be afraid of screwing up.  I need his guidance and not his discipline.  Even with the extensive conversation we had last night about it, I’m still nervous but I really want what we had back.  It made me so happy to serve him, make meals that I know he really likes, go the extra step in doing something for him.  I’m scared about how I’m going to get there again.  There’s now performance anxiety that was never there before.  Even just writing about it now is enough to ramp up my anxiety.

I love him so much and I want what we had back again.  I’m on the road to recovery with my depression and I still need all the help I can get from him to get there.  We’re supposed to meet up tonight for a light bondage scene and that has me nervous as well.  With wearing my collar later this week, I’m not sure I can handle both.  We’re going to take it very slow and see what happens, I just need the strength to say, “No,” if it gets to be too much for me.  My libido is slowly coming back, but it takes a lot of gentle touching to get me ready for sex.  We did fool around last night and he insisted that I call him, “Sir,” and it felt natural and good so we have that going for us.

I need to remind myself that I’m his girl and he’s there to protect and cherish me – to let me let everything go and just be his to command.  Letting go of that control is what scares me the most but hopefully with some practice I’ll be able to regain my trust in him and it will get easier with time.

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There has been much talk of objectification recently.  It is something that I desire greatly but still have a lot of fear surrounding it.  I composed an email to my husband this morning to get my thoughts written down and more organized…

I can imagine myself naked, kneeling in the middle of the floor wearing my collar.  My eyes are down cast, working on achieving the proper object head space for you.  I breath in and whisper the word, “Master”, I breath out and whisper, “I am yours to use.”  I repeat this as I wait for you, sinking deeper and deeper into the head space that allows me to become your toy, to belong utterly to you, to have nothing in my mind but to follow your commands and to do whatever is asked of me.

I am yours and I do belong to you, but this is deeper.  This is the complete suppression of self to your will.  I exist for your will, and your will alone. I can go this deep because I love you and I trust you utterly.  I can completely abandon myself to you.  I will speak only when spoken to.  I will address you only as “Master” because that is who you are.  I sit patiently waiting to see how you will use me that evening with no desires or expectations outside of being your toy for this period of time.  I am completely yours.

When you are finished, I will come back and be your girl once more, your beloved pet.  Not a toy to be used, but your girl to be cherished.  I will process my object space, leave it behind and allow myself to be taken care of by you.

I do want this desperately, Master.  Will you help me achieve it?

I don’t know how deep we’ll get this weekend, but the groundwork is being laid.

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If anything, this experience is telling me that I still have a lot to learn.

We recently made the transition from pretty much flirting with being 24/7 to actually doing it.  I’m not saying that we didn’t have a dynamic outside of the bedroom, because there definitely was – but it was a bit more on the role playing side of things.  Lots of stolen touches or looks, words mouthed across the room, playing with formal speech.  All of this was fun, but it was definitely starting to feel unsatisfying.

We had a series of discussion over the weekend which boiled down to the fact that we both over think things way too much.  We both worried a lot about  how the other would react to a thing, have that thing happen and afterwards confess that we both really wanted it.  In light of this and the fact that we’ve been married for 10 years, I told him to just do it.  If a line gets crossed, we’ll deal with it.  We’ll find the edges together and keep the onus of communication on both of us.

He now has much more control over my daily life.  Every evening, we go over a list of chores/tasks that he’d like to see me do the following day.  I text him as I do each one.  I call him Master in our text conversations and when I am able to throughout the day to keep him in the right mind set.  I ask for permission to do things like use the computer.  I now wear my collar every evening after we get the kids to bed and sleep in it as well.  We haven’t come upon an issue that would require punishment, but it will most likely take the form of a logical consequence/removal of some privilege.  At this point, causing disappointment is deterrent enough.

The thing is that this is a very natural progression for us – almost eerily natural.  Over the weekend we were talking about taking more control of my day and I used the phrase, “but I don’t want to make you my parent.”  I thought about it for a bit and realized just how long I’ve been saying that particular phrase in regards to his efforts to help me manage my time and in the face of our current dynamic how absurd the notion is.  Seriously, I remember saying a version of the phrase back when we were first married and I was out of work for a period.  The phrase was used to keep our distance from each other because it seemed an unhealthy dynamic to add to our relationship.  So the basis for this has been in existence for years.

Giving him the control over my day like that and giving up the bedroom control is incredibly freeing.  I was obsessing over something on Friday and asked him to restrict my computer use because of it.  When he told me that he wanted me to stay off until the evening when we would both be together, a huge sense of relief washed over me.  The other big advantage of letting go of the little things like this is that I have more mental energy available to me to make the decisions I have to make in taking care of the kids and running the house.  Knowing that after the kids are in bed and I’m his to control makes wrestling with our finances or dealing with the myriad of appointments for our kids a lot more bearable.

There’s more to blabber about, but life calls and I must get moving.

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I’ve had yet another one of those wonderful epiphanies that makes me realize just how much of a miracle it is that I managed to become a functional adult. Aside from all of the support from my husband and friends, I’ve been able to find a tremendous amount of safety in the wearing of my collar.

When I first started this journey I really wanted nothing to do with a collar. I didn’t like what I felt it represented and it was something I never dreamed would enter into our relationship. Then I decided to give the collar a try, but with very hard and fast rules for its use. The collar got very little use over the late fall and winter months because I just wasn’t in a place where I felt I could wear it. We had so little time to connect and I felt the collar needed to be reserved for special occasions.

I wore the collar on Saturday night and found my feelings about it had changed. It still symbolized giving myself completely to him, but this wasn’t something I wanted to do every once in a while – I really did want it all the time. There is something so comforting about the feel of the leather against my neck, the momentary discomfort if I move in the wrong way, and finally the knowledge that I am his girl. Being his girl is more than just objectification (yet another concept I wanted nothing to do with). It means while I am here for him to use as he pleases, he’s here to love me, cherish me, and most importantly at this time, to keep me safe.

I find such bliss is being used in this fashion. I don’t have to make any decisions. I can express desires, but he gets the final say. I am completely fine with him fucking my throat and allowing me to drink his cum (my favorite activity right now) and I could care less about having an orgasm myself, I am just so happy to be of service.

As much as I want to, I can’t wear the collar all the time. While it is a very nice one (dark red leather with a swirl design cut into it), explaining it to my kids and others is too much for me to even think of handling at the moment. I’ll be going out tomorrow to get the supplies at long last to make my everyday collar – a beaded choker with a Celtic knotwork design on it. I want this so much – I even asked permission to add collared to my status on Fetlife.

My mantra for the moment:

I’m his girl, and he loves me and wants to make me happy, keep me safe and cherish me. My task is to accept this as true and to trust my Master.

Thank you, Master.

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I’ve been trying to get my mind together enough to actually compose a post outlining the ups and downs of the past weekend to no avail.  I had a very hectic day today and I just can’t settle down enough to actually think through everything, so I’ve decided to show you things through my husband’s eyes…

The collar wasn’t my idea.

It was one of the lines that I drew in that first week of discovery and negotiations, in fact. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of her wearing a collar, or calling me “master”. It didn’t seem right, or respectful, and it felt somehow…risky to me, for lack of a better word. I was afraid that, sooner or later, it would make Tsunade resent me.

And yet now, two months later, her calling me Master has become a regular part of our play. And last night, for the first time, she wore a collar.

We’d talked about it a few weeks earlier, and agreed on a few things. Whether or not to wear it on a given night would be her choice; I was never going to tell her to wear it. And Tsunade would make the collar, creating something beautiful that she could wear out in public without attracting undue attention if she chose.

She’s got a lot of ongoing projects right now, alas. The collar (and the spreader bar, and the restraints) are, by necessity, on the back-burner. Even so, I wasn’t expecting Tsunade to call me while she was out running errands last week to ask if it would be all right if she popped into a local pet store to see if she could find a suitable collar for us to use in the interim. I wasn’t about to argue, though. If she wanted it, that was enough for me.

She tried it on when she got home, and we agreed that she’d wear it that night. That didn’t happen. She felt increasingly nervous over the course of the afternoon, and by the time we got the kids to bed it seemed that the best thing that we could do for the night was just relax and be close to one another.

She suggested wearing it again yesterday afternoon. We’d already made plans for some fairly elaborate play that night, and adding the collar to that seemed simple enough. But again, Tsunade became more and more nervous and upset over the course of the day. The proximate cause was a thread bout BDSM on a message board she frequents, where — for the first time since we began exploring a D/s relationship — she encountered people deeply critical of the very foundations of such relationships. Unhealthy, unsafe, exploitative…all the things that you’d expect to hear. In addition to that, the risk of our youngest waking up during was nagging at her. A few days earlier, he’d woken up sobbing just as she was feeling the need for some aftercare after some fairly intense sex, and she’d been left annoyed, frustrated, and tearful.

These things unsettled Tsunade enough that the thought of wearing the collar, with the added level of openness and surrender that it entailed, seemed like too much of a burden. Too many expectations, too much pressure. Instead, I suggested that, if she really did want to wear the collar (which, she assured me, she did…even if it did scare her somewhat) that she just allow me to put it on her and hold her. No sex, no play, just skin against skin while we talked.

So she did. And we did. Both of us naked, except for her collar. Mostly we spoke about inconsequentials, and about how people who aren’t living out life have no basis upon which to judge it. But I found my finger tracing her collar every once in a while, and whenever it did I could hear her gasp and feel her shudder just a little. Such a simple little thing, a small strip of leather, but god…it made her look ever sexier than she usually does, more beautiful. Even more remarkably, she agreed with me about that. Tsunade’s never taken compliments easily, particularly not from herself. That’s something that I very much want to change….

No one, I’m sure, will be surprised that we didn’t “just talk” for much longer. I spanked her for at least half an hour, not as hard as I have in the past but for faster and longer stretches than previously. Once more, she showed me just how strong she is, how much pain she can take. And after, she was able to completely let herself go so that I could take care of her. Even our youngest waking up yet again didn’t interfere very much with that.

I know that it wasn’t easy for her to wear the collar, no matter how much she wanted to. How much of a surrender it meant. And I’m so proud that she was able to do it, and so pleased that she was able to wear it for me.

Something else that I never thought that I’d say: I want her to wear the collar again. Soon.

Thank you, my love.  He writes such beautiful things about me.

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