We’re getting ready to renew the contract for the month of January. Contract-wise, the past month hasn’t been too bad. He was probably a bit too lenient with me at times, and I should have been better this past week and a half with the kids home from school. I have been going back to bed these past two days, but for less time each day. Infractions were okay. The first one was hard. The second one was harder and I had a panic attack afterwards which wasn’t fun. The third one was way too easy since he was afraid of triggering another panic attack and the fourth one was about right — enough for a deterrent but not enough for a trigger.
We’ll be discussing any changes we’ll be making to the contract this weekend. Infraction counts will be set back to zero, a bit of a relief since I had two each for morning and afternoon sleep and was not looking forward to incurring a third which is a more severe punishment. Smoking is completely off the table. I know his reasoning for this one, but it still feels a little unfair that I can’t have the occasional cigarette with my sister when we are visiting my mom’s. He’s going to add a few more responsibilities and tasks to be completed which should be doable. He has a baseline of behavior to work from now and he’s going to be stricter with me which is a little scary but I think I can do it.
Living with the contract has been hard at times. December is always a bad month for me and we haven’t been having much sex. I’m not sure how much that has to do with the month or the contract. We also haven’t played at all the past month and again I’m not sure how much to chalk up to our dynamic leaving the bedroom versus me just being too stressed out. I’m hoping now that the holidays are over I can get back into the swing of things and we can start having more sex and playing on the weekends. I miss the release of getting out of my head. I think I’m going to try it this Saturday night and see how it goes. There’s a part of me that’s afraid I won’t be able to let go and it will just hurt, especially in light of the corporal punishment involved in the contract — that I won’t be able to separate the feelings. I need to relax and just go with it. I know he’ll take care of me and that it won’t be anything like the punishments logically but my belief needs some work.
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