I’ve been trying to get my mind together enough to actually compose a post outlining the ups and downs of the past weekend to no avail. I had a very hectic day today and I just can’t settle down enough to actually think through everything, so I’ve decided to show you things through my husband’s eyes…
The collar wasn’t my idea.
It was one of the lines that I drew in that first week of discovery and negotiations, in fact. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of her wearing a collar, or calling me “master”. It didn’t seem right, or respectful, and it felt somehow…risky to me, for lack of a better word. I was afraid that, sooner or later, it would make Tsunade resent me.
And yet now, two months later, her calling me Master has become a regular part of our play. And last night, for the first time, she wore a collar.
We’d talked about it a few weeks earlier, and agreed on a few things. Whether or not to wear it on a given night would be her choice; I was never going to tell her to wear it. And Tsunade would make the collar, creating something beautiful that she could wear out in public without attracting undue attention if she chose.
She’s got a lot of ongoing projects right now, alas. The collar (and the spreader bar, and the restraints) are, by necessity, on the back-burner. Even so, I wasn’t expecting Tsunade to call me while she was out running errands last week to ask if it would be all right if she popped into a local pet store to see if she could find a suitable collar for us to use in the interim. I wasn’t about to argue, though. If she wanted it, that was enough for me.
She tried it on when she got home, and we agreed that she’d wear it that night. That didn’t happen. She felt increasingly nervous over the course of the afternoon, and by the time we got the kids to bed it seemed that the best thing that we could do for the night was just relax and be close to one another.
She suggested wearing it again yesterday afternoon. We’d already made plans for some fairly elaborate play that night, and adding the collar to that seemed simple enough. But again, Tsunade became more and more nervous and upset over the course of the day. The proximate cause was a thread bout BDSM on a message board she frequents, where — for the first time since we began exploring a D/s relationship — she encountered people deeply critical of the very foundations of such relationships. Unhealthy, unsafe, exploitative…all the things that you’d expect to hear. In addition to that, the risk of our youngest waking up during was nagging at her. A few days earlier, he’d woken up sobbing just as she was feeling the need for some aftercare after some fairly intense sex, and she’d been left annoyed, frustrated, and tearful.
These things unsettled Tsunade enough that the thought of wearing the collar, with the added level of openness and surrender that it entailed, seemed like too much of a burden. Too many expectations, too much pressure. Instead, I suggested that, if she really did want to wear the collar (which, she assured me, she did…even if it did scare her somewhat) that she just allow me to put it on her and hold her. No sex, no play, just skin against skin while we talked.
So she did. And we did. Both of us naked, except for her collar. Mostly we spoke about inconsequentials, and about how people who aren’t living out life have no basis upon which to judge it. But I found my finger tracing her collar every once in a while, and whenever it did I could hear her gasp and feel her shudder just a little. Such a simple little thing, a small strip of leather, but god…it made her look ever sexier than she usually does, more beautiful. Even more remarkably, she agreed with me about that. Tsunade’s never taken compliments easily, particularly not from herself. That’s something that I very much want to change….
No one, I’m sure, will be surprised that we didn’t “just talk” for much longer. I spanked her for at least half an hour, not as hard as I have in the past but for faster and longer stretches than previously. Once more, she showed me just how strong she is, how much pain she can take. And after, she was able to completely let herself go so that I could take care of her. Even our youngest waking up yet again didn’t interfere very much with that.
I know that it wasn’t easy for her to wear the collar, no matter how much she wanted to. How much of a surrender it meant. And I’m so proud that she was able to do it, and so pleased that she was able to wear it for me.
Something else that I never thought that I’d say: I want her to wear the collar again. Soon.
Thank you, my love. He writes such beautiful things about me.
